Out Of The Cradle

The Proposal

2011-05-08T20:34:00.005+05:30

"Danny... I need my space. I can't go on living like this. I'm sorry, but it's over!! I don't love you... There is someone else in my life", she screamed at me, as she stormed out of the restaurant.

I sat there dazed, trying to fathom what just happened, as the murmurs of people around me grew louder.. louder... and then just as it started, it died down.The elderly couple sitting on the opposite table, stared at me intently, trying to peer into my soul , trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I felt something buzzing in my ears. Bewildered that I was, I looked around to see the waiter leaning over to my shoulder. He looked sympathetic.

"Sir," the waiter whispered, "Ummm...would you still be proposing tonight?"

"I don't know!" I wondered, "Did she just dump me?" I inquired.

"I think so, sir!!", he answered.

"You really think so??", I inquired to be doubly sure.

"I think I heard her scream that it was over... Sir!!"

"Oh yeah!!" I nodded, "She did say that.... but ... We were together for all these years. What happened?" I asked him, still looking dazed.

"I think she said there is someone else... sir", he replied.

"How do you know?" I mumbled.

"She screamed that as well sir."

"Yes, She did say that..." I nodded again, " but do you think she meant it??" I added foolishly.

He silently agreed.

"Sir, I think I'll let you be alone for a few minutes before I come to take your order!!"

"No... that's ok! I think I should go."

I got up to leave when he said, "Sir... Here's the ring... and here's the bill." He handed me the ring, still looking at me sympathetically. I paid the bill, making sure I tipped him well. The elderly couple mumbled something more while I walked out of the restaurant, still bewildered and confused.

An Honest Prayer

2010-12-03T22:23:00.002+05:30

Bhagwan, PEDC mein naiyya paar lagi to,

Church mein nariyal phod kar aunga...

Chadhaunga ek kilo motichoor ke laddoo,

n I promise, usme se ek bhi main nahi khaunga.

Paper likh kar jitni gaali di hai maine,

Un gaaliyon ko na kabhi dohraunga...

"Hello" "Hi" "Dude, Wassup" chchor,

sirf "Hail Mary" ki rat lagaunga...

Jitni baar pray karte waqt, tujhpar kam,

aur sundariyon par zyada dhyan lagaya hai...

Bhagwaan......I swear ...sab tyaag dunga main,

maan jaunga ki ye sab moh maaya hai!!

Bus bhagwan.. naiyya paar laga de meri...

Aur na tujhse koi meri arzi hai...

Daal raha hu sau ke 5 patte Donation box mein,

Maan jaa... baaki ......jo teri marzi hai!!!!

For Whom The Bell Tolled........

2009-11-28T23:22:00.004+05:30

"Before the mountains were brought forth, or ever thou hadst formed the earth and the world, even from everlasting to everlasting, thou art God"
Psalm 90:2

Dearest brother,

It just seems like yesterday, that I was standing by your coffin , as people gathered to wish you their final goodbyes. It seems like yesterday that I was kneeling in church, as Father Mathew conducted the Requiem. It seems like yesterday that mother fainted when you were being taken away for burial... and it also seems like yesterday that I stood by watching, as your coffin disappeared slowly while they filled your grave with earth. The mournful "In paradisum" still rings in my ears... and yet, tomorrow, it'll be a year since we laid you to rest.

I don't have much recollection of how a year passed by. They say, Time heals all wounds. But nobody says, how long does it take to heal... or to even,stop hurting. We're still shocked that you're gone and we miss you so much... Mother spends hours, sitting by your grave and talking to herself. Father keeps re-reading the letters we used to write home from school... Shirley and Cathy always try to keep smiling, and Isabella keeps asking me when is her daddy returning. She was so upset when you didn't turn up for her birthday. I don't know what to tell her. She just knows that Daddy has gone to Jesus, and waits everyday for you to return. I have not the heart to tell her that you're not coming back. All of us are still trying to get on with our lives, but something or the other keeps happening which doesn't let us move on.

The media is always calling us up and they think that by doing this, they are doing us a great service. For the past one year we've been hounded by the local media for "reactions, interviews, debates" and what not!! We've changed our numbers because of them, and yet they manage to find out our new contact numbers. They ask questions like "What was your son doing in the Taj?"... "Do you miss him?"... "How did he die?"... "Which terrorist killed him??"... "What were his last words?", and none of them bother to be polite. We can't even grieve in peace. I have lost all respect for the media. Even our suffering is used to up their TRPs. I wish you were here, and even if these newsmen had come, both of us would have definitely been able to kick them away... but alone, I don't think I have the might to fight such hyenas!!

One question which they asked Dad was about, how he felt about the lone surviving terrorist, and if he was upset that the terrorist hasn't been hanged till now? Dad said, "I neither sympathise, nor empathise with him. But, I feel sorry for him. More than punishing this chap, we should punish those who indoctrinate these young people with such radical thoughts!!" I wonder how Dad finds the strength to forgive him.Earlier I was upset that he said so, but maybe Dad is right.

As usual, a lot of politics has played out since the past one year. Big big politicians make big big promises. Narendra Modi said he'll give money to the families of all those who suffered like you. I wish he had died instead of you. They think that money will fill the void in our hearts. The local MLA had come to offer "condolence" and "be with us in times of difficulty". You were right, when you said that all these politicians were the same... unsympathetic.. selfish..pompous and ill-mannered.

I wish God hadn't called you from us so soon. The only way we console ourselves is by saying to each other that He wants the best people with Him, so that they don't suffer the ills of mankind... and you were amongst the very best. I wish I could tell you how proud all of us have been of you. I know you watch over us all, from above... but I wish you could come and console Mother and Isabella.

Remember the cherry tree you planted?? I kept saying it'll never bloom and you said it will. You were so right... it finally bloomed, and the blossoms were so beautiful. Mother and Isabella made a small bouquet out of them, and placed it on your grave. I hope you liked them.

We have early winters this year. Its snowed a lot. Mother keeps worrying that you might be very cold. I told her that she needn't worry for you were resting with God, and am sure you'll be very comfortable up above. But then you know our Mother. Not a moment goes by, when we do not think of you. The initial days were very difficult. We'd keep waiting for you at the dining table... I know that gradually I might accept that you are no longer with us, but I doubt if Mother will ever feel so. Mother still lays out a plate for you...

I am sorry I wasn't there with you at the end. None of us know what must have gone through your mind, and all that you must have endured. The more I think about all that you must have suffered, the more troubled it troubles me. I tried to get all the information I could. I wrote to many people. Some were kind enough to reply, and I thank them for all the information they could share with us.

"Dust thou art, and unto dust shall thou return"...All of us are made of Dust.. and it is to Dust that we shall return... It's so true. I wish I had paid more attention to the sermons. You always told us to seek refuge in the Lord, during times of tribulation... so i have turned to Him with a hope that He will guide us through our grief.

You've left me with huge shoes to fill and I know you will continue to guide me like you have always done. If only Life could be lived in retrospect...

On the day of the Judgement, when the Lord judges the living and the dead, I know we'll all be forever re-united. Till then.....We miss you.....

Fondly remembered by.... All of us!!

"Behold, I tell you a mystery. We shall all indeed rise again: but we shall not all be changed. In a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet: for the trumpet shall sound and the dead shall rise again incorruptible. And we shall be changed. For this corruptible must put on incorruption: and this mortal must put on immortality. And when this mortal hath put on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written: Death is swallowed up in victory. O death, where is thy victory? O death, where is thy sting? Now the sting of death is sin: and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who hath given us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye steadfast and unmoveable: always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labour is not in vain in the Lord."
Corinthians 15:51-58

The Medical Certificate!!

2009-07-20T10:51:00.004+05:30

I am a sick person... I am regularly MEDICALLY sick... I know my dear friends like Kislay and Mocking Bird might also add that I maybe mentally sick as well... but lets leave that aside for the time being.

This is the story of me appearing for a semester paper during my engineering days in college. I do not wish to name my college, but I will tell you that I belonged to Electrical discipline. I am sure if any of my readers happens to be an engineer, he/she will leave no stone unturned in extending all his sympathies with me.

So this glorious day... the day of my examination, I woke up feeling very uneasy. My head felt heavy and my eyes reeled. I was regularly overcome with this urge to throw up... Before I left for my paper, I even threw up twice. Apparently last nights' chicken curry did not agree very well with my digestive system. I knew I shouldn't have had the chicken, but then the Human mind is a very greedy entity. It reasons with your digestive system and convinces you that even if the chicken curry is smelling weird, you should feast on it. It's a sin to waste food. Being a regular church going catholic, I decided not to commit the sin, and devour the chicken anyway. Little did I know that ten hours hence, I would be this miserable...

I somehow reached the exam hall. I had prepared well for my paper. I took my seat in the exam hall, and looked at the question paper. I was delighted. I knew almost everything. Passing finally would no longer be more difficult that discovering the nonexistent G-spot! I picked up my pen and started answering the questions. Boy I was smiling then. There was a song on my lips and warmth in my soul.

Just when I had attempted for 10 marks, I felt it coming. Rising from the depths of my incessantly bloating tummy, I could feel it travel up.. up... upwards. I knew I had to puke. I got up... rushed to the invigilator and told him, "Sir, I am sick and I have to go and vomit!!"

What he said next, baffled me. He said ,"Well, do you have a medical certificate to vomit??"

I argued, as I felt the chicken almost flying up my esophagus at the rate of knots , " Sir, how the hell was I supposed to know that my tummy will be screwing me up so bad today??"

I was told to either get out of the class and not be allowed to continue the exam, or shut my hole and continue writing the exam.

I had no option, so I rushed to the window and hurled. Yes sir, I did. Brave move, some might say. When I was half way through, he told me to leave the class and wash my face. I thought he was allowing me to go out. I ran out... rushed to the Men's room and ...... then I washed my face, and rushed back, only to be told that I wasn't allowed to enter the hall!!

"No... I told you... if you go out, no coming in," barked the invigilator. I was dumb founded and was again told to produce a medical certificate which allowed me to throw up during the exam hour.

As I walked back to my room, with my future looking as "bright" as Jayalalitha's lipsticks, I couldn't believe how insensitive teachers could be. Hmph!!

I went to director with my complaint, but even he saw reasoning in me being debarred from re-entering the room. I still can't. I'm not even sure if there is a medical cerrtificate which reads

" Daniel is my patient, and please allow him to vomit during exam hours. He suffers from XYZ disease.

signed Dr. Blah Blah Blah"

That doesn't even make sense!! atleast not to me... but then people call me a weirdo. Maybe that's why I can never fathom such rules.

News At Nine

2009-05-31T11:34:00.011+05:30

( The post below is a figment of imagination, and is not intended to mock any particular journalist or news channel. Any reporter/journalist/TV news channel producer, who comes across this post, is advised to click here, and enjoy the posts of one of my good friends. Those of you who decide to read this 'informative post', should do so at your own risk. Any one of you , who tries to screw me Barkha Dutt style should know that I am a VERY POOR man and I cannot afford to pay any legal fees. )

In the brightly lit studio of INB news channel, sits the famous bespectacled journalist Pranab Dutta, along with Billo Kumari, flashing a broad smile. The news desk is lit, the mic has been hooked to them, as the producer shouts, "Silence.... Pranab, we are rolling in 3.... 2.... 1.... go!!" The studio thunders with music and as it dies out....

Pranab Dutta- "Hello and welcome to the news at nine, on your favourite news channel... INB, which was also the most viewed news channel during the latest Lok Sabha Elections. Please DO NOT.. and I repeat.. DO NOT believe the other channels when they try and claim to be the number 1 news channel. We, and only WE at INB news have been awarded the recognition of being India's NUMBER ONE news channel.. the numero uno... and we have displayed it on our website with the COA stamp. Lets proceed with the headlines...

(fading music)

Manmohan Singh caught on camera taking orders from someone other than Sonia Gandhi , and that is our INB news EXCLUSIVE...

Lal Krishna Advani admits that Narendra Modi was bullying him during the campaign, and lodges complaint with Rajnath Singh...

In International news that we are tracking... Pakistan PM admits that he has a crush on Mayawati...

and in sports, Force India finally scores a point in the Turkey GP..."

(music dies out completely)

Billo Kumari- "In a surprising incident which your favourite news channel caught on tape, prime minister Manmohan Singh was caught taking orders from a lady, other than Sonia Gandhi. This has infuriated Mrs. Gandhi, and she has been reportedly, sulking in 10 Janpath, along with the other Congress loyalists, with many clamouring for his immediate resignation."

P.D- "What is even more surprising are the reports of Lal Krishna Advani, calling up Mrs. Gandhi, and consoling her. Your beloved news channel has also learnt that Shree Advani has requested Mrs. Gandhi to declare this as a national tragedy. This rather bizarre request has also found resonance in the Congress party. For more on this, lets join our reporter Gurcharan, who has been tracking this news.... Gurcharan, what do you have for us....???"

Gurcharan (over the video phone)- "Yes Pranab... As soon as we had a whiff of this news, we got into our News Channel Van (which has been voted as the sexiest News van in India), and reached the PM's residence. En route, we decided to have lunch at Kakke Da Dhaba. We ordered three plates of Butter Chicken, 30 Butter Naans, 11 Cokes and..."

P.D.- "Gurcharan, .. Gur.. Gurcharan... That is besides the point.. and remember that the channel will not reimburse you for your lunch... What happened when you reached the PM's residence..??"

Gurcharan- "Yes Pranab.. like I was saying.. After a good heavy lunch, we went to the PM's house and saw a woman, in her late 60s, entering the house. Dr. Manmohan came out to greet her, and she told him to fetch her mobile phone from the car. Dr. Manmohan Singh immediately obliged and fetched her mobile from a rather odd looking Maruti 800. Pranab, you can clearly see in the video that we sent you, how Manmohan Singh's facial expression changes when he realises that he has been filmed...."

B.K- "Indeed Gurcharan, he seems to have seen a ghost... His face is all white, and you can clearly see him trying to run away as soon as possible... Gurcharan... You've done the nation proud... Great work... We are joined in our Delhi studio by none other than the spokesperson for the BJP, Shree Priyesh Javlekar... "

B.K(turning to Priyesh Javlekar) - "Javlekar sahab, what is this?? The PM of our country, a country which is looked upon by the world, to be the most moral of the nations... and it is our PM.. a man known for his honesty.. a man renowned for his loyalty... a man known for his faithfullness.. a man loved by many... a man who goes to Saint George Bush and tells him that ALL OF INDIA LOVES HIM...and now, he is caught taking orders from some unknown woman...what do you make of all this?? "

Priyesh Javlekar- "Exactly as you are seeing today. The PM has brought shame shame poppy shame to the nation. I think the PM should own moral responsibility for this rather immoral act, and step down from his post. PM should be ashamed of his act. He is too old to be flirting now. I am sure BJP will provide a better and moral government at the center. When i heard this news on your channel, I was.."

P.D (cutting short Mr. Javlekar)- "yes sir, only OUR CHANNEL has this exclusive news and that's why are NUMBER ONE...."

P.J.- "Egg-jactly.... yeah, like I was saying... When I heard this news on your channel..."

P.D (cutting short Mr. Javlekar again)- "its not just "YOUR" channel sir.. it is the nations channel, and it is the love of the people that makes us the best... please continue.."

P.J.- "Yes Yes... absolutely.. as I was saying.. when I saw the news on the nations favourite channel, i was..."

P.D (cutting short Mr. Javlekar again)- "It is also the number one news channel sir... and we have documentary proof as well..."

P.J.- "Well... As i was saying, when I heard this news on the nations favourite number one channel, I was appalled... My wife fainted on hearing the news, and I had a tough time carrying her back to bed... "

P.D.- "But Mr. Javlekar, I want to know the truth, and nothing but the truth.. the truth as true as colour of your beard... what guarantee can you give the nation, this great nation of great people... that .... (Loud Music) .. ladies and gentlemen, we have BREAKING NEWS COMING IN... BREAKING NEWS... Yes, it is a breaking news... over to you Niharika..."

Niharika- "Well.. thank you Pranab and Billo... In breaking news that is just coming in, we have learnt that Katrina Kaif has rejected Salman Khan's marriage proposal... Salman Khan had proposed to Katrina, on his 43rd birthday, and Katrina said she needed time to think. Today, on her 20th birthday, Katrina Kaif has finally rejected his proposal citing the age difference as the major issue. It is ,reportedly , learnt that Katrina told Salman that she looked up to him, as a father like figure and that she had no daddy issues, thus isn't stupid enough to get married to someone twice her age. Salman Khan has been reported to be sulking and has gone to get drunk with his friends. Going by Salman Khan's past driving record, public is warned against sleeping on the streets tonight. We'll continue to monitor this rather important national news....Important to all the girls you see.. who knows, maybe he'll marry me.. My sapnon ka rajkumar... (blush .. blush)..Over to you Pranab...."

Pranab Dutta - "Well... All the best with your dreams Niharika, and I'll hope Katrina Kaif marries me....(turning to Mr. Javlekar) Anyway, Mr. Javlekar, it was nice having you in our studio... I especially love your new kurta... Kahan se silwayi??? (Mr. Javlekar blushes)...Anyway, its time to slip into a very short commercial break... when we come back, we'll tell you why Advani is pissed off with Modi... don't you dare touch that remote and tune into TIMES NOW or NDTV or CNN... "

(Commercials and loud Music... Mr. Javlekar gives the address of his tailor to Pranab Dutta, and wishes all a good night.... Make Up man rushin to retouch Billo's make up... producer shouts.. "3...2..1... and we are back)

B.K- "Welcome back everyone... Now Advani has registered a complaint with Rajnath Singh, the party president of the BJP, complaing about him being bullied by Narendra Modi, during the LS election campaigning in Gujarat. To discuss this, we are joined now, by the Congress Spokesperson Abhishek Milkshake Manusmriti... Mr. AMM, what do you make of this??"

AMM- "Well, Billo, we always knew that BJP campaign was flawed because during these elections, I heard stories of Advani running around and fetching a glass of water for Narendra Modi. Mr. Modi has for long, been seen as the new PM in waiting, and Advani jee was sad because Atal Bihari jee couldn't campaign this time. Modi took full advantage of Advani's emotional state and bullied Advani everywhere. I suggest, that criminal case should be filed against Modi and Advani be given a packet of paper napkins to dry his tears..Infact, I have decided to sponsor a packet of paper tissue for him."

P.D- "Ah.. Abhishek jee... You have spoken like a true gentleman... Even though you kicked their butts in the last elections, you still are willing to offer advice for the revival of the BJP... Kudos to you.. You are just like our news channel.. Humble.. Polite... Never show off... Atleast you have given some respect to a man, who is no longer wanted in the party... I salute you.. I honour you.. here, I even wanna smooch you... come..."

AMM- "Errr... pranab... you are forgetting that this is a live news channel... you don't want to excite karan Johar, do you??? Maybe later .. haan?"

B.K- "btw, abhishek... who is this new woman whom Manmohan singh is taking orders from?? "

AMM- "Arey, you idiots.. that is Mrs. Manmohan Singh... "

P.D- "Mrs. Singh????? our PM is a married man??"

AMM- "and you bloody losers... Sonia jee is not sulking.. she has fever and that is why she is indoors at 10 janpath Advani jee only called to wish her to get well soon."

P.D- "well... now we have a breaking news... we can confirm to you that Mr. Manmohan singh is a married man!! We are first news channel to tell you that and we shall be applying for a patent as well....Anyway, since Manmohan Singh is a married man, thus he is allowed to take orders from his wife as well... well I take orders from her...with "her", I mean, MY WIFE and not Mrs Manmohan Singh!! I think everyone in this great nation, takes orders from their wives.. because wives make a man... man makes a husband... husband gets a wife... wife gives orders... I don't know what I'm saying.. so lets slip into another short break.... "

(Commercials... Abhishek Manusmriti abusing the news wale.. Producer shouts... 3 ... 2... 1... )

P.D. - "Welcome back once again... In a day, which got more bizarre by the hour, Pakistan Prime Minister confessed to our news channel that he had the hots for Mayawati. Lets listen in to what he said to our correspondent, Noor Jahan in Pakistan"

(excerpts from the interview)

Noor Jahan- "PM Gilani, is it true that you have a secret crush on the Chief Minister of uttar pradesh in India.. Begum Mayawati??"

PM Gilani- "Yes, it is true that I fancy Mayawati ... Not only me... All our previous premiers have fancied her... I first saw her when ISI chief got her picture from his agents in India... I told him then and there , that I want this bombshell... "

Noor Jahan- " But we have reports that after you said that, the ISI chief ordered bombs blasts in India??"

PM Gilani- "Arey that bastard is hard of hearing and has no brains... He obviously misunderstood me, and planted bombs in egg shells across India... Honest mistake!! I confronted him and told him.."arey duffer.. not bomb in an egg shell.. I meant... wo wali bomb... pataka ... maal... samjha???"

Noor Jahan- ".... and ??!!"

PM Gilani- "As usual, he misunderstood me, and told his agents to blow up a pataka factory in India... (sigh).. the relations between India and Pakistan have always been based on misunderstandings... What to do??"

Noor Jahan- "... it is also reported that ISI was behind the attacks on the Indian Embassy in Kabul??"

PM Gilani- "Well... I called up that jerk... and told him.. Better control yourself... I love Mayawati, but it doesn't mean that you should plant bombs in India... understand?? Learn to control yourself.. KABU!!! CONTROL!!"

Noor Jahan- "Well, its quite clear how Kabu became Kabul... "

(Back to New Delhi Studio... Pranab Dutta and Billo Kumari looking shocked...)

Billo Kumari (in suppressed voice)- "Would you believe it?? Mayawati is supposed to be hot in pakistan, and no one gives me any bhao in this news channel also.. huh!!"

Pranab Dutta- "It is shocking to learn how a country, run by sexually frustrated people, cause such massive problems for their peace loving neighbours... I say, let us give them Mayawati... and send them all those ugly elephant sculptures as a sign of good will too... good riddance for us... Maybe that will cement relationships between India and Pakistan!!"

Billo Kumari- "In sports, on a day which , like we said, and WE ONLY SAID... because we are the number one news channel, giving you the maximum number of breaking news, and as we said.. today was a BIZARRE DAY.. and don't believe the other news channels when they say the same thing because we, your beloved channel, are telling you that it was a BIZARRE day... in a day full of surprises, Force India registered its first Formula One GP points in Turkey. Giancarlo Fishicella finished third behind the two ferraris. A crash in the penultimate lap by Adrian Sutil, triggered a chain reaction, as other 14 cars rammed into each other one by one."

Pranab Dutta- "Well, thats it for the tonight show, at News at Nine, on your favourite news channel, INB news... Your trusted.. beloved and YOUR VERY OWN CHANNEL.. and we salute you for your love, and please stay tuned for our next show on this channel... Saas Ki Murder karke Bahu Kahan Bhaagi... it is also an exclusive... see you tomorrow.. same time.. same place..

(Billo Kumari joins in)

"So this is me, Pranab and ... me, Billo, wishing you all a very good night... We'll see you again tomorrow... till then... Namaskar... yes dear friends, we also propagate our culture through our channel.. sorry.. YOUR channel... so... Pranaam... yes friends, this is another way of taking leave... So, all of you... GOODNIGHT"

(Music again.. Loud Music... as Pranab Dutta and Billo Kumari continue smiling at the camera)

Black, Brown and White...

2009-05-30T12:47:00.010+05:30

Finally, the media houses have woken up and decided to give this "Racial Attacks in Australia" some decent amount of airtime. It is indeed nice to see that. Even the blogging community has taken up this issue of 'utmost importance' and expressed its anger in the strongest possible words. Well it is nice to see that too. Tomorrow, if half of India gathers outside the Parliament, and protests with a candle light march, I wouldn't be surprised. I also wouldn't be surprised if we hear reports of Ram Sene or Bajrang Dal, catching hold of a couple of Goras, and beating them black and blue. But what would surprise me is if this issue lingers on for more than a fortnight. I would be SHOCKED... yes sir.. you saw the spelling too.. its all in capital letters!!! I would be that shocked.

Racial discrimination is nothing new to us. What is this crap about "white man's syndrome"?? Why blame the entire white community for a racial assault committed by a few of them. We never look within ourselves, and seek to blame others for all our misfortunes. "To err is human, and to blame it on others, is even more human"!! Yay!! We are more human than anyone else. Nice .. Nice!! "A white man called me a pig".. and we'll scream Racial Discrimination at the top of our voices. But when we call South Indians as Illads, North East Indians as chinkis or chow chows or when the South Indians pass derogatory comments at North Indians, then we don't seem to care. There are many colleges down South, where North Indian students get ragged only cause they are north indians and the vice versa up North. All Nepalis become bahadur... Why don't we take up such issues too?? I think that the reason why it doesn't bother us, is because racism is ingrained in us... so much so that we don't even know when we discriminate on the basis our race, colour, sex etc... But in a pluralistic country like India ,which seems united on the outside, but is fragmented in the inside, it is not surprising to come across such cases.

Problem arises when we go abroad, and become a part of the minority... second class citizen, as they call it. Then all these things suddenly become so obvious. Back home, we were cursing each other with racists remarks, but here abroad, we become the butt of those racist comments. Big deal!! The biggest problem which we have is the lack of respect for each other's culture and background, and also we lack the will to accept the flaws in us. Everything is someone else's fault. We can never be wrong. On a personal note, I feel that the west is more appreciative of our culture than us, ourselves, but along with that, they also continue to be who they are. For quite of few of us, the moment we land on a foreign shore, our accent changes and we blindly try to be 'a gora'. Sighhh!!

But, why blame the whites for our obsessions with the fairer skin tone?? The Britishers occupied India for 250 years... so does that mean that we have been suffering from the 'white man's syndrome' only for the past 310 yrs? It would be foolish to believe so... even before they came to India,we Indians were trying out various herbs and treatment to improve our skin colouration. Now whom do we blame??? Now do we blame the Muslim invaders from central Asia??? They'll say.."Dude, yeah, we invaded India, but most of us belong to the same race man!!" Then whom to blame?? Ultimately we'll end up blaming the Lord himself, for having made us this way! Exactly.. how can we be wrong... blame the Gods!

We are brown because the climatic conditions require us to be brown so that we can live in a hot tropical country like ours. Thus, the Lord made us brown. We can work under the sun for hours without fainting like whites do. Whites are whites because they are native to the cold countries. Whites are not native to Australia anyway... In India we want to be white, while in the west, people see a tan as a sign of affluence, showing that the man has enough money to sit for hours at a tropical beach, tanning himself and doing nothing. Funny how things are in different parts of the world. We human, are never happy or satisfied with anything. Reminds me of a poem "The Human Abstract" by William Blake.

The Gods of the Earth and Sea,
Sought thro' Nature to find this Tree,
But their search was all in vain,
Coz there grows one in the Human Brain!

The 'Tree' here refers to a tree , borne out of seed of evil, thriving in the human mind. The poor Gods searched all of Nature, trying to find that tree, unaware that such a tree doesn't exist in Nature. Nature doesn't offer explanation for a mystery which is nothing, but malice, and that grows and thrives in our minds. How so true! I think this issue gained importance, not because it was a case of racial abuse, but more because it involved assault and now a student is battling for his life. Expecting the Indian government to do anything more than "condemn" the attacks, is like expecting Mayawati to say anything more than "Main Dalit Ki Beti hu..(I'm a dalit's daughter)". The Indian government cannot arm twist the Australians into taking any sort of action. The only option is to prevent students from going to the kangaroo land, for higher studies, but that too would be very foolish. I pray the government does something to improve the quality of education in our country. Atleast that way, many of our bright students won't rush abroad for their degrees, and it should help the Indian economy as well. Instead of spending a crore, gettin a degree abroad, we can spend only a couple of lacs to get the same quality degree here. Hmm.. food for thought.. any netas listening???

I don't say that we Indians are cowards, cause we can't protest. I feel that even if we protest, our government will never back us. (Be it the UPA or the NDA). Why won't they back us?? Simple...
a) most of our netas are disconnected from our problems
b) now that the elections are over, its like.. "public??!! who????"
c) Our leaders have greater things to worry about... like how to please DMK.. TMC.. etc
d) most don't even know what the need for good education is.

The plight of the citizens havs never concerned any government so far. Be it Indians in India, or Indians living abroad. As long as the money keeps coming, no one bothers.

Hmph... I hope things change and we first change ourselves. The pride which our forefathers had in being INDIANS, must be restored. We lack that greatly. We need to broaden our minds and think beyond racial divides, castes, sex, colours, religions and lets the world know that we are Indians, and we are Proud of being one.

PS: As USUAL, maybe I've misunderstood the meaning of "white man's syndrome"... My apologies.. I thought it wasn't just accepting them as a superior race, but also our continual efforts to be like them... Aplogies again.. Thank You KISLAY

Dynasty Politics and Rahul Gandhi

2009-05-26T02:22:00.010+05:30

Ever since the LS election,'09 results were announced, the blogosphere has been abuzz with articles on Dynasty Politics and Rahul Gandhi! Though I'm neither as knowledgeable nor as eloquent as Bhai Chandra and His Merry Men when it comes to current affairs, history and the Queen's language, yet I'll try and put my views on the recently concluded elections.

I have a query... What exactly is dynasty politics??? What I can comprehend is that it essentially, is the transfer of leadership from older generation to the younger. If my comprehension be correct, then explain to me this. Why do the debates of so called dynasty politics revolve only around the Gandhis?? There are so many other parties where dynasty politics exists. There is National Conference, Samajwadi party.. NCP... RLD... DMK... Hell,its even there in the BJP. In an ideal world, a world free of sins and wrong doings, where equal opportunities are available to all, dynasty politics would have never found footing. But we don't live in that world, and the notion of idealism exists only in our mind, and thus in our views. Dynasty politics exists because there is an electoral acceptance!! There I said it... and I think I've kept it very simple. Great minds can continue churning out pages after pages, denouncing such a practice, but sadly, I'd rather not waste my time reading all that, and instead accept the truth of our political set up!!

Now, to the issue of Rahul Gandhi! People target him for being a Gandhi. People revere him for being a Gandhi. People despise him for being a Gandhi and people adore him for a being a Gandhi. Sadly, the debate about him revolves only around his name. If he was born a Gandhi, is he to be blamed?? If he inherited his political legacy, then is he to be blamed?? If he decides to be a politician , then should we get our daggers ready?? He is half gora, so what?? Advani is half Pakistani!! So should I jump upon Advani and choke him just coz he was born in what is now Pakistan?? People lament "Why should RG, be made the president of Youth Congress, before those who have toiled for years??? Had his name been Rahul Andhi, instead of a Gandhi, nobody would have even known him!!" Targeting him for being a Gandhi is as good as targeting Ratan Tata for being a Tata. It is a part of their legacy and whether my idealist friends like it or not, they will inherit that legacy. If that gets them additional mileage, in any sphere, then you can't blame them.

Much has been talked about Rahul Gandhi's role in these elections. Many bloggers have been moaning about "RAHUL GANDHI _THE NEXT PM" theory. If you recall, it was made very obvious by the leader of UPA, that Dr. Manmohan Singh was their choice for the post of PM in these elections. After the victory, all poor Manmohan Singh said was that he would like Rahul Gandhi to join the cabinet. The same day, Rahul Gandhi politely said that he has no intentions of joining the cabinet, coz he wanted to work with the youth congress. Here is a man who clearly says that he doesn't want to join the cabinet and insists that he is more needed to reorganise the party. Here is a man who, even though ,could easily be atleast a MoS, and yet he decides to concentrate on working for the party at the grass root levels. Even though DMK has only 19 seats, yet Karunanidhi is pushing for his son Azhagiri and daughter Kanimozhi, to be given cabinet berths!, and both are MPs with little or no experience ! Yet, this guy, RG, gracefully accepts that he lacks the experience to even consider joining the cabinet. In a power mongering democracy like ours, this is something unthought of.. unheard of!!

Now since the media wanted masala, and any news of the Gandhis gets them precisely that, they conveniently started projected Rahul Gandhi as the next PM. Suddenly we had the 24 hr news channels going berserk with debates on Rahul Gandhi as the next PM. Members of the all the parties were called for the discussion, public opinions were asked, Manmohan Singh's comment was played over and over and over AND over again, with each news channel claiming victory in pronouncing RG as the PM-2014!! I'm not sure if we should read too much into what the media has to say. They never get anything right. All their exit polls and entrance polls results went for a spin when the election results were announced. They said it was suposed to be neck and neck , and people like Mayawati and Jayalalitha would play king makers. Ultimately, UPA mauled the NDA, and all the remaining fronts, got a pole shoved up their backside!! What the media fails to realise that the ELECTORATE IS NOT FOOLISH!!! We read too much into what the Tv media has to say. One forgets that these 24 hr news channels, are viewed by around 20% of our population only!! The print media hardly gave much coverage to this "RAHUL GANDHI PM 2014" story.

Rahul Gandhi said, "Terrorism can be done away within 15 minutes, if we empower the people." Many people think that empowering only means handing out AK series assault rifles. Though i do agree that it is impossible to rout terrorism in such a short span of time, but I am a firm believer that empowering people will indeed curb terrorism. Here terrorism should not be understood be the the Pak- sponsored proxy war . We face a greater threat from internal terrorism than external. There are the Naxals, who believe in blowing to pieces anything the government makes.. then we have radical elements like Bajrang Dal, Ram Sene, IM, SIMI... who believe that the only way to gain salvation is by beating up people and planting bombs across India. Empowering people means to empower these people with education, healthcare and employment opportunities. If you observe the background of people joining such organisations, then you'll know that the reason why most of them joined was because they lacked education, had no future and no stable source of income.

I'm not saying that Rahul Gandhi should be made the PM in 2014. But I'm also not saying that he shouldn't be made the PM in the future. Politics is such a dynamic game that one can never predict what lies ahead. The person to be projected as the future PM, is totally prerogative of the party, and not just any one indivisual. Lets judge Rahul Gandhi for what he has done so far in politics, and not what his forefathers have done or said. So far, I think he has matured as a politician and has a long way to go before even he considers himself to be a PM material. He has showed that he has a stable head on his shoulders. We must get over our Gandhi phobia and mania. If the party projects him as the next leader, then so be it, coz ultimately it will be the people who will decide who should warm the PMs' throne... and remember, THE ELECTORATE IS NOT FOOLISH!!!

My Guardian

2009-04-19T02:24:00.004+05:30

I was born in a very small hill station called Lansdowne, which is nestled in the bosom of the mighty Himalayas. Perhaps it would have been smaller had it not been for the presence of the Garhwal Rifles, a mighty light infantry regiment of the Indian Army. Right from the day when I was born to this present day, I've seen my Lansdowne having undergone wave of changes. Change is evident... it is a necessity... perhaps it is the only thing that has remained constant. From a few shops at Gandhi Chowk to the establishment of a proper thriving bazaar there... from the flourishing pine and oak forests, to the mountains slopes being deforested in the name of development, I've seen it all... but inspite of all these adaptations and changes, there is one such presence, which hasn't changed... and that is these lofty mountains.

The Himalayas have stood ground for millions of years... . I have always been in awe of these mountains. Each of its rock has a history older than mine. Him-alaya... the abode of snow... the abode of the Gods.. These hills have watched over me all through out my life. I feel safer, lost in these mountains, than amidst a deluge of men.

I went to boarding school in Dehradun when I was only six. Six is a scary age to go to boarding you see. I had heard so many stories about how miserable your life becomes in a boarding school. My first few days in school were no exception. My constant sobs to go back home didn't go down too well with my matron. Thankfully, I wasn't the only one who used to cry and whimper to be sent back home. Now, from the back field of my school , you could see the Himalayas.. .stretching right from Mussoorie to goodness knows where!! Whenever I got a chance, I would sit under this jacaranda tree and stare at the hills. I remember the warm feeling in my tummy, when I first saw these hills. I felt comforted and I knew I would settle in my new life very well. I indeed did... homesickness became a thing of the past, as long as I knew that these hills were there. One of my biggest fears, right through out junior school was that maybe one day the mountains will just get up and walk off!! Thankfully they decided to stay put and guard me all throughout school.

Saturday night in school was Movie Night. Movies did not catch my fancy back then. I would quietly slip out of the auditorium and sit in the back field. From there, you could see Mussoorie. Now, Mussoorie at nights is a sight to behold (if you staring at her from Dehra ofcourse..) She was lit up in all the bright hues... there was red... there was orange.. there was yellow... that tall TV tower, with its beacon flashing from the top.. all arranged haphazardly on the slopes. Shining and gleaming through the night. I used to spend hours just gazing at that beautiful sight. I miss sitting in the back field and whiling away my time like that.

October was always special.Very foggy. The path used to be covered with fallen silver oak flowers. As we used to gather in the field for the morning P.T., the fog would clear and the sight of first snow fall on a far away mountain top would greet me. I would get restless, wanting to go there. I used to feel sorry that I missed out running like a maniac, with my tongue hanging out, trying to catch the first snow flakes in my mouth as I did back home. Sigh!! Maybe the mountains could feel my restlessness. All of a sudden, the fog would descend and the hills would disappear. I still feel that the hills did that to make sure I didn' get so excited that my P.T. teacher would catch me and send me to run rounds once again.

College life was fun, but something was always missing. I was too far away from the Himalayas. There were time when I felt so lost . There was no guardian watching over me... maybe that's why I never did well in college.

These mountains have taught me a lot more than my books could ever teach me. They have taught me to be patient, to be humble and understand the lessons of Nature... the various kinds of flowers, birds, reptiles, animals... I learnt to swim by being plunged into the rivers here. I understood what Silence is... what it feels to stand on top of the world...and top of the world is indeed very silent.

People from all across India come to the Himalayas to experience something called "Adventure Sports". I really do not understand what that means. Walking on a pre-determined route, with servants carrying your food supplies... running down the Ganges in a raft not controlled by you... shouting in forests, just to hear your echo is not adventure sports. Where is the adventure? And what do my hills get in return for providing "adventure" ?? The hills get heaps of garbage, ancient trees being scratched with "Paplu loves Daizy" messages and pristine forests being felled to make way for some hotel. We have mutilated these hills for centuries and they have quietly suffered. I wonder how long before the hills decide that enough is enough and take back all, what rightfully belongs to them.

There is a saying that if you have spent some time amidst these mighty mountains, you'll always return to die here. I have lived most of my life here, and I know I will breathe my last here. I belong to this mountain soil, and that is what I will be after my death.... Everytime I begin my journey from the plains to these hills, my joy knows no bounds. The moment I begin to wind along the narrow mountain roads, I feel so welcomed... Yes, I feel the same warmth in my tummy which I felt in school... It's good to be back home!!

My Nirvana

2009-04-16T22:52:00.009+05:30

Another sunrise... another tomorrow, and I've made it through another day. As I deteriorate slowly, I think I'm at peace with myself. Day by day, I've begun to understand Life and her ways. "Too late" , some might opine, but then it's better late than never. I wasn't so smart anyway.

Life is indeed a beautiful woman... a seductress... for as long as I kept trying to seize control of her, she eluded me. Whenever I thought I had her in my grasp, she just sailed away, riding the breeze. She would then turn back to look at me, her eyes filled with scorn and tease as I looked on... more exposed, feeble and marooned than I ever was. Filled with anger and vengeance, I would always try again... I always would... and she always knew I would. "This time", would I say," this time when I catch hold of you, I'll teach you a lesson which you'll never forget. " My threats did not frighten her. Nothing did!!

Looking back now, I know not why I wanted to trap her. Maybe her independence irked me. Here I was, chained by responsibilities, education, the norms of the society, dreams and destinations and there she was.... carefree...wild... free spirited. When I lay sick in the hospital,she was around. But never did she ask me about my health or about my pains. Whenever my lab tests came back and announced the most uncomfortable results, she would only sing and dance. Everything about her made me loathe her, but then everything about her also made me want her. Maybe I was just in love with my contradictions but then it were also my contradictions which taught me to hate.

One day, she just disappeared. Just like that! No scorns, no taunts, no grins... She just vanished.

The same day tragedy struck and my world fell apart. I stood in the morgue, amidst 19 other severely burnt bodies, trying to identify my brother. The little hope I had of getting news of him being alive, was shattered by the locket he wore. It carried the picture of his one year old daughter. I had never , in my wildest of wild dreams, imagined that someday I'd see him in such a state. I recognised his face...Yes, I recognised him. His last days were very troubled and his end shall keep me troubled for the rest of my life.

The day of the burial, I saw her again. She stood next to me, clad in black, like all of us, and she was mourning. I saw her cry and I cried. Even after everyone left, she stood there with me. No words spoken. Then she disappeared. For long I didn't see her. I was busy with the undertaker, the tombstone orders and with his family lawyers.

It was on New years Eve that I finally saw her again. She was walking in the family cemetery, mindless and not perturbed by anything. This time, for a change, I smiled at her. She grinned back at me. I started wiping snow off the tombstones, when she sat by me.

"Why do you despise me so much?" Life asked. I said ,"I don't know exactly.. Maybe I feel cheated for having suffered so much, while you roamed around careless and happy. You've scorned me all my life. You've been unsympathetic and mean. I've been honest all my life and I've done nothing to deserve to be treated this way. "

"Is that all??", she giggled and continued, " I'm no different from you. Infact, I am YOU. The only difference is that in your attempts to seize and control me, you miss out on all the little moments of joy which come along. I, on the other hand, show you what you can be. You forget to enjoy what you have been blessed with. You have the gift of vision , the gift to feel and to touch, the gift of taste, the gift to understand and the gift to appreciate. You have resented me all this while, and thus you have been unable to enjoy Me.. Your life!! Learn to accept me and not fight me."

There it was! The secret of Life! All that is needed is to be able to accept. I'm at peace with myself ever since. Life, for long, has been a subject of constant debate. Great thinkers have tried to find the meaning of Life. Mathematicians have even attempted to express Her as a polynomial with many unknown variables. Other people have written extensively about how Life is just a misery, and the ultimate aim of her, is to be spent, in trying to achieve Nirvana. I agree with none. Life is a concoction of all that you can feel...There is joy, there is sorrow, there are deaths and there are births, but it is up to us to cherish every moment of Life. Even the chirping of birds can lift your spirits, as long as you try and be one with it. Acceptance is all that is needed and you'll find joy everywhere. This is Nirvana.

Trust me, the day you stop fighting her, Life turns out to be quite a woman!!

Time Pass... Pass Along

2009-03-27T12:44:00.002+05:30

Here's how this one works. Name the last 21 people who posted on your wall, answer the questions and tag those people.

Disclaimer: I’ve tagged even those people who consistently fail to post on my wall .Since I don't even have 21 posts on my wall, I've decided to add friends at random But, to repeat this tagging cliché – if you are tagged, it doesn’t mean you have to reply. Though it’d be wonderful to see you making that effort ;)

Enjoy!

1. Rodney Rodrigues
2. Abraham Eapen
3. Serah Basnet
4. Vanessa Rodrigues
5. Kislay Chandra
6. Wendy D'Souza
7. Moulshri Gupta
8. Sucharita Hazra
9. Andil Elita D'souza
10. Clyde Jonathan D'silva
11. Aditya Rana
12. Anant Kodikal
13. Saumayajit Samantha
14. Sharad Kumar Singh

Since my friend list ends thr, (Yeah yeah.. i know its sad!!), thus I'll restart the list from Rodney.. he he.. lets see how that turns out!!)

15. Rodney Rodrigues
16. Abraham Eapen
17. Serah Basnet
18. Vanessa Rodrigues
19. Kislay Chandra
20. Wendy D'souza
21. Moulshri Gupta

1. How did you meet 18? (Vanessa Rodrigues)
In college. She was my classmate in the first year, and she would turn down all my "polite offers" to take her out. As usual, I upheld my school tradition and remained a back bencher in college, whereas she was those front benchers. Thankfully , Coulomb's law held good and we neutralised our effects, by being the middle benchers in the second semester. (I did return to my last benches from the second yr onwards).. He he

2. What would you have done if you had never met 21? (Moulshri Gupta)
In that case, I’d never have known what an amazing sar-pel she is!! All through out college, she gave me nightmares and despised me. I reciprocated the feeling... :P Weirdly enough, after college we became pretty good friends.

3. Would 4 and 16 make a good couple? (Vanessa Rodrigues & Abraham Eapen)
I hope not... He he.. Naah, I don't think so... Abu and Vanessa are tooo different.

4. Could you ever fall in Love with 20? (Wendy D'souza)
Lol... No man... Her sisters would slaughter me to pieces.. He he

5. What is the best thing about 6? (Wendy D'souza)
Ah.. Wendy again! Umm... I like the fact that she is actively involved in sports, and I hear, she is great at it too. Very friendly... :)

6. What is your best memory of 17? (Serah Basnet)
Hmmm.... Serah! Walking back with her from Samsara, late at night. Had to drop her off at the Sikkim Tourism, and the roads were all khali khali... I mean, i had an awesome chance to kick her butts ... till this day I rue my decision of sparing her ass!! Ahh.. Smoking with her, incessantly .. that as well! We both loved Navy Cut.. She still does, I gave up!! He he

7. If you gave 19 $100 what would they spend it on? (Kislay Chandra)
He’d go and spend it all on burgers and mountain dew! Maybe a new novel as well...

8. Have you travelled anywhere with 15? (Rodney Rodrigues)
Yes Yes... In and around Manipal.. on my PULSAR ... he he

9. How did you meet 12? (Anant Kodikal)
He was my classmate.. saala pheku!! He was my lab partner for all four yrs.... Major tharki soul and somehow had a great rappo with the *beep* *beep* teachers like SGK n all...

10. Has 7 met your mother? (Moulshri Gupta)
Thankfully, no. She is a vegetarian man... LMAO

11. Have you ever wanted to punch 8 in the face? (Sucharita Hazra)
Oh yes. Yes. Yes. Millions of times. But then she is too sweet and thus i keep forgiving her.. He he he

12. How long have you known 13? (Saumayajit Samantha)
umm.. around 4 yrs now.. I got to know him ony in the second yr... This guy walks around the town for no apparent reason.. No wonder he is thin n all... :P

13. Does 2 have a boyfriend/girlfriend? (Abraham Eapen)
Oh... lots of ‘em. Half of Mallu babes have the hots for him. (The other half aren't hot enuff to be labelled babes).... Even the teachers had the hots for him...

14. What would you do if you ever dated 5? (Kislay Chandra)
I'd obviously go and shoot myself!!

15. Is 1 beautiful? (Rodney Rodrigues)
LMAO.. beautiful, I don't know. But he is too damn smart... Great doctor and an awesome musician....

16. Have you ever seen 3 cry? (Serah Basnet)
Ummm... I'm not sure.. But I have seen her very depressed... sad n all...

17. Have you seen 14 in the last one month? (Sharad Kumar Singh)
No... the last was in college...

18. Have you ever danced with 9? (Andil Elita D'Souza)
No... I still haven't met her, forget dancing with her... and andy, if u reading this, thank ur stars u haven't danced with me... Your toes have obviously, not suffered me!! LOL

19. When is the next time you'll see 10? (Clyde Jonathan D'Silva)
Hmmm... maybe when we come up with a plan to perform a fusion piece someday.. :)

20. Is 11 your best friend? (Aditya Rana)
LMAO... yeah right!!! obviously.... rana is sabka best friend.. and im best frnds with all his hot girl frnds... Nice cycle eh.. he he.. he is a *beep* to the core and deserves to be married off to mayawati!!!

21. What is your friendship like with 16? (Abraham Eapen)
Great Friends... One of my best friends I must say... I got to know him in the first yr and we were obviously the biggest vellas around.. We would go and watch any movie, no matter how stupid it was.. ah, those bike rides... we found the RIDE and the RIDE KA BAAP... Great frnd!

22. Describe 4 (Vanessa Rodrigues)
Hmm... beautiful, bubbly... She keeps giggling all the time... Great singer... studies a lot... fears her momma... very very loving... very sweet.. learning to cook... rest, i cnt declare publically.. :)

23. Describe the relationship between 12 and 17. (Anant Kodikal and Serah basnet)
Arey awesome relation man..... both of them are the best of friends...One is Raam, She is seeta... One is a pilot, the other is scared of heights... thankfully they don't even know each other... LOL

24. Have you been to 6's house? (Wendy D'Souza)
Nope...

25.What is the best recent memory you have of 19? (Kislay Chandra)
Well, this one is not recent (since he started working n all...) I remember once when Shashank, Me and kislay were walking to the night canteen and this song he came up with all of a sudden... its sort of R-rated thus cnt reproduce here... but all three of us were laughing hysterically .... then all of a sudden, this guy, who was totally smashed, comes up n says "dude... do u have weed?"... I thought he was lookin for a guy called veer.. so i told him to search in the blocks.. either chummi or shanky, assumed he was asking for their Virya (hindi for semen.).. LMAO... think it was shashank.. the guy just cudnt believe we hadn't smoked up..

26. When was the last time you saw 20? (Wendy D'souza)
It's been ages..... met her during her Mahe -UGET exam...

27. Do you know a secret about 15? (Rodney Rodrigues)
Nope.. I don't think so...

Yes,It Happened To Me..

2008-10-11T04:19:00.007+05:30

Once what happened was that I had just landed at the JFK International Airport, in my private Cessna Citation Mustang (Model 510) VLJ Business Jet. I know most of you must be thinking that I had flown to America, for my usual business trip or to meet President Bush and discuss the issue of rising oil prices with him. But no, this trip was for a different cause. Here is why I was there-

Around 20 hours before I landed at JFK, Scarlet Johansson had called me up and invited me to her house to spend the weekend with her. She even said that I should be ready for some “serious action”. Being an Indian, I knew that serious action only meant Dharmendra kicking Gabbar’s ass, after Hema Malini went against his wishes and danced for Kalia, Sambha and the rest of the gang. Dharmendra had even shouted, “Kutte Kameene, Main tera khoon pee jaunga (Bastards, I’ll drink your blood)”, but even that could not scare off Gabbar. He must have been a hell of a dacoit or maybe even he was fed up listening to Dharmendra’s age old dialogue. Maybe he thought, “For long have I heard him swear like that, but yet nobody has seen him turn into Dracula to feast on anyone’s blood… and maybe this is my only chance of getting Hema Malini to give me a lap dance!!” So Gabbar decided to take the risk and Hema gave him an Indian lap dance but the ass kicking he received afterwards has been etched in the memory of all Sholay lovers. So, like I was saying, I knew what “serious action” really meant. Before I could tell Scarlet that there was no need to rent Sholay as I had already watched it more than a 100 times, she hung up the phone.

Now, international calls from India are too damn expensive. Thus I decided to fly all the way to New York and call her up from a local phone. After all, I knew the importance of saving money. The global economy was in doldrums, and I didn’t want to waste a lot of money on an expensive phone call. I even made up my mind to donate that money to the US Federal Agencies so that they could add my sizeable contribution to the $700 billion, in order to overcome their financial crisis.

Incase amongst my regular readers (like Kislay, Bhai Chandra, Professor Chaos) and forced regular readers (like DJ, Obdurate Sushma, Anonymous Su-deep, Mly and Mockingbird), there are those who think I’m being partial towards America, then I must dispel their doubts. Even I am aware that the Indian economy is on the edge and the market is very volatile. The erratic stock market has burnt a big hole in my pocket too. For long I have quit buying Jockey, Alligator, Van Heusen etc and have been wearing Rupa’s undergarments instead!! The reason why I want to help to the US Federal Reserves is because the entire world economy is directly dependent on the US economy. The sooner we can get their economy back on track, the sooner I can replace my Lifebuoy soap with Denim Leather (FOR MEN ONLY).

As I was saying, I had decided to go to New York to make a local call. I went to the roof of my 80 storied luxury apartment and put on my parachute knapsack. (P.S. - I owned all flats/condo in that luxury apartment.) I jumped off the building and opened the ‘chute when I crossed the 65th floor, where I saw Bill Gates having lunch with my dad. I wished them a good day and the wind carried me to my personal airport. I got on my Eclipse Aviation 500 VLJ and remembered that it had not been serviced ever since I flew around the world ten times at a stretch on it.
So I jumped off the cockpit and all of a sudden, I felt seismic tremors. The earth shook below my feet, and the trophy which I had won for shooting two terrorists with one bullet, fell off the display unit. I was mad. “Damn you Moulshri Gupta!!” I shouted. She must have fallen off her bed again, I thought. The tremors were tremendous and I was sure that the whole of New Delhi was razed to the ground by now. I replaced my trophy after hurling a number of abuses. I climbed into the cockpit of my D-JET composite, five-seat, single-engine jet aircraft and leapt into the pilot seat. The bloody seat broke and crashed through the cockpit floor. “Manufacturing seat defect”, I screamed and called up my secretary ordering her to stop payment for the aircraft to the Diamond Aviations. I wasn’t going to pay a penny for an aircraft with manufacturing defects. While I was on the phone, I boarded the Cessna Mustang and sat on the pilot’s seat. The chair creaked... I wondered why.

I fired up her Pratt & Whitney Canada PW615F turbofan engines and soon was tearing through the clouds at one and a half times the speed of sound. It must indeed have been very fast for I could not even hear my own voice. I was flying faster that I could speak. Impressed by the jet, I decided to fly over New Delhi and see the devastation which Moulshri must have caused by falling off her bed. Like a true Indian, I feared for the safety of the people of Delhi. But I was amazed to see all the buildings in Delhi as sound as ever. Yes, the Red Fort was still there, the Parliament was fine and the Qutub Minar still stood out like a giant erection!!

“Funny”, I said to myself and began to wonder about the cause of the earthquake. If it wasn’t Moulshri then it must have been Bhai Chandra in Bangalore. I smiled to myself for having solved the mystery in no time and put the aircraft in auto pilot to pat my back.

With the aircraft on auto pilot, I went into the cabin to sign a couple of T-shirts which I had promised to give to Jenna and Barbara Bush. Yes, George Bush’s daughters. Both of them have a huge crush on me and requested me to sign a T-shirt each, for them to show off in front of their super hot girl friends. President Bush has helped India seal the nuclear energy deal, and being a true patriot, I didn’t want to feel burdened by his special interest in the deal. Thus I decided to give these T-shirts to his daughters and thus reduce a burden off my fellow country men’s’ shoulders. We already are overloaded with the Income tax and the sales tax and the property tax and the house tax and the car tax and the wife tax and the education tax. Now our health minister, Mr. Ramadoss has levied a smoking tax as well. He has made sure that the areas where one is allowed to smoke is so disputed that even if you smoke atop the royal seat, you shouldn’t be surprised to see him barge into the loo and offer you toilet roll in one hand and demand smoking tax from the other.

While I was lost in deep thought about the burdens we Indians are burdened with, I saw land below with people thronging on the streets, and cheering. “I couldn’t be flying over India again”, thought I. Then I saw a huge banner go up which read “NO! You are not in India. Welcome to America. We love you, Great Danny!!”

“Ah, always nice to be recognised by my fans”, I remarked. I wasn’t sure how they got to know about my arrival. “It must have been Aaj Tak, after all they are the Sabse Tez news channel. Even before a rape is committed, they air it on television. Even before a match gets underway, they tell us the match score and results, along with detailed match analysis. Yes, it indeed must have been them”, I figured.

I landed in New York in ten minutes after flying over the Arabian Sea, Europe and the Atlantic. I hopped off my business jet and again it happened. I felt the tremors here as well. But then I remembered that I was traveling faster than the speed of sound, and these were just the repercussions of the earthquake in India. In doing so, I was the first man to prove that India and America lie on the same tectonic plate and the seismic waves travel at one and a half times the speed of sound. (I was later awarded the Nobel Prize for this discovery).

I walked to a phone booth and called up Scarlet. It was a local call!! Boy she was excited to hear from me. I told her I knew what was on her mind. I also told her that we Indians know all about “serious action”. After all, we watch a lot of movies too. I also suggested that if she is so keen on engaging in “serious action”, then I should call my friends as well. The more, the merrier. I recommended her to wear a cotton sari, while my friends and I dressed up in Indian outfits.

She said, “Danny, you are sick. How many times have you watched the Kamasutra??” Before I could answer, she hung up again. Hmmm, I still wonder why!!!

Ekta Kapoor!!!

2008-10-09T03:07:00.006+05:30

[Ekta Kapoor fans should press ALT + F4 immediately]

I would not blame anyone of you , if you confess that you are trembling in your boots or planning to settle in some foreign country by the mere mention of her name. I can understand your fright and your anxiety. After all, who isn't scared of her??

I was wondering what it would be like if she ever became the Prime Minister of India. Well, one thought led to another and one thing I can safely say is that India would not be "India" anymore. There is no 'k' in 'India'. Most certainly, she will amend the constitution to change the spelling of our country. Maybe she will propose radical reforms in the way we spell; with the evolution of silent k. India shall be spelt as Indika.

The only religion allowed to be preached and to be practiced will be Mihirism. Now before any of my communal readers prepare to draw out swords, let me explain. I am a Christian, and yet I stand in awe of Mihir. Jesus Christ rose from the dead only once and we began worshipping Him. Huh!! Mihir has died and was resurrected thrice. That is three times more than what Jesus managed to accomplish!! Jesus only died once, and we still don't know when (and if) he is going to revisit us. At least in Mihir we have someone who actually knows the way from Heaven to Earth and back again so well, that he dies and rises at will. Lord Mihir not only rises from the dead, but unlike Jesus, manages to undergo a plastic surgery before He gives darshan to his followers. Incase you did not know, that is Lord Mihir's way of finding his true disciples. Those who manage to recognise him shall be given a lead role in Ekta Kapoors' forthcoming movie or soaps.

Ah, talking of soaps... I am sure Ekta Kapoor would sue all the soap manufacturing companies on grounds of plagiarism. There can't be a Lux soap or a Cinthol Soap. I mean, there can either be her soaps, or NO soaps!! Since her soaps are readily available on Star channels from 7 in the evening to midnight, Indian people should bathe during those hours only. Products like Lux , Palmolive etc should find market else where, coz afterall Ekta will be providing us her soaps to wash.. err.. watch.

Unemployment will no longer be a problem. Trust me. She is obsessed with making TV serials, which run for an eternity. After becoming the prime minister, she will undertake the production of so many serials, that half of the Indian population will, directly or indirectly, be at her services.

There shall be a major revamp in our Education system with the introduction of her soaps in the form of books. Students will be studying the abridged versions of Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki, Kasauti Zindagi Ki and Kyonki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi. Courses will be offered by colleges, for graduation in Hindi/English or regional languages where they shall be studying the unabridged versions of Kyonki..... Soon we shall have professors with degrees like Masters In Saas Bahu, Doctorate in Prerna Basu's Affair and Research Scholar (Komolika). The dream of a literate India shall indeed see the light of the day.

Mahatama Gandhi was the Father of The Nation. Ekta Kapoor shall declare a holiday for Grandmother of the Nation. She is still searching for the correct date of birth of Ba. (Apparently she is unaware that people did not record the birth dates during the Harappan Civilisation!! But she has been consulting her astrologers and the results are awaited). An extra holiday is nothing to be sneezed at.

A new law will be passed which will allow only her brother Tushar Kapoor to play the lead in movies. So don't be surprised if you see Shahrukh Khan sitting on some railway station, with a begging bowl in his hand.

Now India has been spending billions of dollars on our Defence. But with Ekta Kapoor at the helm of affairs, no country will be dare to take a risk, by invading a country (i.e India.. err.. Indika) with over a billion lunatics.The money thus saved , will be utilised to pay the fees of all the astrologers and pundits, hired by Ekta Kapoor, to plan her daily chores. UPSC exams will be specially conducted to select the most worthy astrologers, to chalk out our foreign policies.

Jeetendra will be the Minister of Sports. He will be in-charge of teaching "How to be a Jumping Jack, without being a Jack Ass". His song "Dhal Gaya Din" will be used to teach the correct playing techniques to aspiring badminton athletes.

So many changes will occur if she becomes our Prime Minister. I don't know what will remain of India after her tenure as the PM gets over. (Going by her soaps, I must rephrase myself as "I don't know what will remain of India IF her tenure EVER gets over.). The mere mention of Ekta Kapoor or even Star Channel makes me want to poke my fingers into my eyes, travel up to my brains and swirl it round and round and round, till I die. I sincerely hope there are like minded people out there who share the same feeling.

A Chance Encounter

2008-09-29T23:58:00.005+05:30

It once happened that I was traveling from Delhi to Lucknow, in the First Class AC coach, of the Lucknow Mail. I had boarded the train half an hour before its scheduled departure, and made myself comfortable on the lower berth. I was sincerely hoping for my co-passenger to be either Aishwarya Rai or to be her incarnation. I had just closed my eyes, when, out of the blue, many policemen barged into my compartment and began rummaging around.

“Hey you! Stand up,” shouted one of them.

I immediately sprang to my feet, while another ordered, “Stand on your feet and hands up!!”

I was confused, so I politely said, “Sir, I’m already standing on my feet. How can I stand on my feet again, without sitting down??”

“Shut up and don’t act smart.” prompt came the reply.

"But what have I done?” I questioned meekly.

“Behen Jee is traveling in this compartment. She has the upper berth, so we need to make sure that everything is in order before she boards the train. Show your identity card,” he demanded.

I hurriedly produced my driver’s license and he kept staring at my photo. I knew I was in trouble. “You look like a bloody terrorist!” he remarked and the rest of them nodded in agreement.

My heart sank. I remembered all the Hindi movies I had watched. A shiver ran down my spine, when I recalled all the shady dialogues I’d have to hear, if they arrested me for no reason. After all, every hero is falsely convicted and sent to jail. I even remembered how the hero, finds a long bamboo in the middle of the jail, and does a pole vault to jump over the 30 feet high prison wall. I began to shudder more when I realized that even if I did find a bamboo, I wouldn’t be able to jump over the wall because I weighed twice as much as the hero. I began to curse myself for not heeding to my father’s advice and shedding a lot of weight..

“Sir I am not a terrorist. Maybe I just look like one,” I said, “and I am going to Lucknow on official work. See, I handle the finances of Lifeline Group of Hospitals.” Saying this, I thrust my employer’s identity card to bolster my statement.

One of the policemen turned to me and said, “Shut up! Remove your shoes. Nobody is allowed to wear shoes in the presence of Behen Jee. Take off your glasses too. It needs to be checked for bombs,” saying this ,he pulled off my spectacles.

“But sir, I am as blind as a bat without my spectacles and in any case I need my footwear so that I can relieve myself, during the journey. You certainly can not expect me to visit the bathroom, barefooted, can you?” I protested “I am a free citizen of India and the freedom of movement is my birth right. As my shoes form an integral part of my movement to the bathroom, thus I am free to wear my shoes. Yes sir, even I know my rights,” I announced, feeling good that I still remembered bits of class eighth civics.

“Besides,” I continued, “if your Behen Jee doesn’t like shoes, then why should my shoes suffer? My sisters think that all police officers with a tummy like yours should be lined up and shot dead. Does it mean that their whim should be satisfied?? Of course not! By the way, your tummies are equally enormous. Are all of you brothers?”

I had just begun to get acquainted with the police officers, when in walked a strange looking buffalo. It wasn’t your regular sized buffalo. It was much smaller, and was probably wearing a uniform. I could have described it better had I been wearing glasses. It seemed to sniff around, and then settled on the sofa.

I whispered to the police officer standing next to me, “Sir, I had seen many sniffer dogs before, but I must admit that it is for the first time that I am seeing a buffalo being employed to sniff out contrabands. And may I congratulate you for training it so well. It is remarkable to see that it actually knows how to sit on a sofa. I must say that I am impressed.”

“Shut up, you fool. She is Behen Jee,” he replied.

“Aha,” thought I, “so Behen Jee is the name of this buffalo.”

I said, “Sir, does the buffalo … err... Behen Jee have a valid ticket? I am not sure if they are allowed to travel in the first class compartments of the railways.”

“She is a VIP. She doesn’t need a ticket to travel. If she gets angry, the government at the centre will be upset,” said the officer, in a suppressed voice.

I couldn’t understand how the anger of the buffalo, could be related to the stability of the central government. So I began to think, “Maybe Manmohan Singh drinks the milk of the buffalo Behen Jee, and if Behen Jee gets angry, she might not let anyone milk her. Thus, there would be no milk for our prime minister. If there would be no milk, then Manmohan Singh won’t get his morning tea. And thus he wouldn’t be able to wish a very cheerful good morning to Mrs. Sonia Gandhi. If Mrs. Gandhi doesn’t hear a happy good morning, then she will be too angry to give out the daily orders to the prime minister. No daily orders, means no progress for the nation!!!” Everything began to make sense now. I understood the importance of Behen Jee.

“Funny, how a buffalo controls the Fate of our nation!” I exclaimed.

“Stop saying ‘buffalo’ out loud. Her name is ….,” he was cut short by Behen Jee, who let out a loud Moooo.

“Yes Ma’am. Yes.” cried all in unison, as if understanding every moo of Behen Jee.

I was immediately handed my spectacles, which I put on eagerly, to see the most extra-ordinary buffalo in the world.

The next thing I remember was, seeing Ms. Mayawati seated on the sofa, and my luggage being hurled out of the coach. I followed next!!

Morals of the story:

a) Keep your amazement to yourself. There is absolutely no need to share it with anyone, least of all, the police.

b) Aishwarya Rai will never run away from her shoots, only to be your co-passenger. Real life isn’t Bollywood, you see.

c) Evidently, Manmohan Singh doesn’t drink Behen Jee’s milk.!!

The Story of Nikamma

2008-09-25T19:52:00.007+05:30

Long long ago, when men were still men, and the likes of Karan Johars were not allowed to tick the box, which read "Male" in any application form, lived a cool dude called Nikhil. His full name was Nikhil Abraham Singh, thus being the first real life embodiment of religious tolerance.

While growing up, he showed signs of greatness by preaching about different religions, and explaining why one should respect all the religions. He was lovingly called Nick, by the Westerners, who found it rather difficult to pronounce Nikhil, but found no difficulty in pronouncing !!beelay@#.
( I swear I didn't make that up!!)

Nikhil's father was a very hard working farmer, while his mother was very easy going and lazy. (Yes, Coulomb had come up with his "Opposite poles attract each other" law by then, and thus the people never wondered how they ended up marrying each other!!)
In the same town, lived Deb, a wealthy landlord, who inherited a fortune after the death of his father in law. Oh by the way, his wife's name was Jyoti. The couple loved each other a lot, and everyone fondly called them Deb- jyoti.

Now Debjyoti had a very lazy servant called Sushant. Sushant was the personification of lethargy. He didn't want to work and dreamt about the lower half of Debjyoti all the time. He was a pervert and the lower half ,of course, means Jyoti- Deb's wife.

One fine morning, when Nikhil was meditating under a banana tree, he saw his mother walking upto him. (PS: He could not meditate under the neem tree because the ground around it was covered with cacti. ). His mother came and sat down next to him. After an hour, Nikhil finished meditating and saw that his mother had fallen asleep next to him. So he got up and went home, leaving his mother fast asleep under the banana tree.

Late in the afternoon, landlord Deb was returning home with his friend Babu, who ran a jewelers shop in the same town. They happened to notice Nikhil's mother still sleeping under the tree. Now everyone in the town knew Nikhil, but very few people knew who Nikhil's mother was. But Babu was the town jeweller, and thus he knew Nikhil's mother very well. After all, she alone accounted for a quarter of his sales.

Deb, looked down at the sleeping woman and said with disgust, "Who is this woman, sleeping at mid-day? and that too, by the roadside? And under a banana tree, when a banyan tree is just a couple of yards away??
(Now don't ask me why Nikhil wasn't meditating under the banyan tree. And I wasn't aware there was a banyan tree around anyway!!)

Babu replied, "Oh brother, she is the laziest woman in the world. She sleeps all day and snores all night. Wonder what she will be re-incarnated as, in the next life? After all, its our Karma which decides our future. That is why I have been such an honest jeweller and never cheat nor lie to my customers. "

"You don't lie??", asked Deb with bewilderment in his eyes, "Yesterday you told bhai Chandra that even though he had put on a lot of weight, it was impossibe to notice it. You even said that his protuding belly, actually made him look irresistable to the women folk of our town!"

"I never lied to him", explained Babu, " I just didn't tell him the truth, and there is a lot of difference between the two."

"Like what??"

"Well, for beginners there is a huge spelling difference. And its the spellings which make up a word, and if spellings are different, then the words are different. So, if words are different, how can they mean the same thing? Then both have different pronunciations. One begins with a 'l while the other begins with a 'h... While the former is a single word - Lie, the latter is a combination of three words - Hiding the truth!!", finished off Babu, with a dismissive air.

"Sighhhh!!!!!!", sighed Deb. He always knew Babu was smarter than him, and thus scored more than him in English as well as Math all throughout school and college. "But who is the woman?? Shouldn't we wake her up and tell her to go home and sleep?"

Babu had started walking ahead , as he saw a chance to get a lift all the way to his home. But he did turn back and reply," Forget it brother. She is very lazy... Just like your servant, Sushant. Let her sleep there and you go home...."

"But who is she?", shouted Deb to Babu who was already very far away by now.

"Nikh....(il's.... -inaudible ) amma. Very lethargic!!" and Babu disappeared behind a cloud of dust. (In case you didn't know, he had been offered a lift on a horse cart.)

Now Deb started walking alone, wondering and speaking to himself, "Nikamma? Very lethargic? What did Babu mean? " . After much deliberation, he came to a conclusion that since Babu was smarter than him, he had used a very hi-fundoo word for lethargic. NIKAMMA!! Deb was a fast learner and he wanted to try out his vocabulary on unsuspecting innocent people.

So when he reached home, he called out to Sushant. He came rushing out of Jyoti's room, tying the cord of his pyjama and looking very scared. Shouted Deb," Sushant!!! You are Nikamma!!"

Now Sushant knew he was caught but didn't like being called names. He retorted," No sir, I am Sushant. Maybe you are Nikamma!!" This infuriated Deb, who reached out to slap Sushant, but suddenly suffered a heart attack and ........

Meanwhile Deb's lawyer, Advocate Siddhartha (M.A.Llb) heard about the untimely ................. and forged Deb's will. He transferred all of Deb' earthly possession to his name and lived happily ever after. He also kicked Sushant out of the house and married Deb's widow.

And they lived happily ever after.

Moral of the story : If you learn a new word, shut the fuck up!!!

(Disclaimer: All characters in this story are purely fictional, and any resemblance to anyone dead or alive is purely co-incidental. Those who do not agree, kindly refer to the last four words of the moral. )

Random Rantings...

2008-09-25T15:08:00.009+05:30

To be able to communicate and to express your views in writing is an integral part of one's development. Of late, I have been experiencing problems on both fronts. Neither am I able to talk freely nor have I been able to write, without feeling insecure about spellings and grammatical errors. I've become painfully aware that I had more command over the language as a twelve year old than I do now.

When I come to think of it, I cannot figure out when it all started. Till Class 12th, I could only interact in English and the thought of speaking Hindi, scared me out of my wits. I did study Hindi, but then, it is not my mother tongue. Anyway, I entered college, and by the time I graduated, I spoke more Hindi than my friends. After college, I spent a year in the hospitals in Mumbai, and as it all stands now I can neither speak good English nor Hindi. My pronunciation is an obtuse blend of Hindi, English and Marathi, with a hint of Kannada, served with “I-Just-Ran-Away-From-A-Mental-Hospital” look on my face.

Thus it’ll be in my best interest to stick to writing till I no longer give the impression of being a raving lunatic.

I always enjoyed writing, but never wrote so much to be labeled a writer. I found it easier to express myself in writing than through oral communication. Earlier I could write at will, about anything... anyone. Now it takes me half an hour to link words to come up with a sane sentence.

Yesterday I wanted to write a few good words for a friend, who means the world to me. I sat up all night, only to realize that I could just come up with “She is phenomenal!!” I can understand when people might try to convince me that maybe my friend is so phenomenal that it is tough to find words for her. Vehemently as I may agree, I also know I was capable of having come up with a lot more than that for someone whom you have known for years.

Maybe I’ve gone from being bad to worse, because of my inability to engage in a conversation which actually calls for a reasonable utilization of the gray matter. While everyone is busy expending their brains now, I’m actually saving the little I have been blessed with, for old age. It would be all the more better, if I can be granted a fixed interest for saving my brains for n number of years. Maybe by the time I die, my name will go down the history books as the “Brainiest Man”.

I know many of you will not agree with my theory right now, but am sure when all of us will be enroute to becoming kids once again; I will be the only one to be called a whiz-kid!!

Vignettes from a Bibliophile

2008-09-19T04:25:00.004+05:30

Groucho Marx said," I find television very educative. Everytime somebody turns on the set, I go to the other room and read a book." Reading is, indeed, a wonderful hobby. I find it enlightening and often, amusing. The trivia collected by reading is always mind boggling.
I remember reading Les Miserables by Victor Hugo. In it was one of the longest sentences that I have ever read. It had eight hundred and twenty words, ninety three commas, fifty one semi-colons and four dashes. Presently, William Faulkner's novel Absalom holds the Guiness Book of World Records for the longest sentence. It has one thousand, two hundred and eighty seven words.
Want to know which is the longest and shortest name of a railway station in India? The longest one is "Venkatanarasimharajuvaripeta" and the smallest is "Ib". Got anything to add?
Do you enjoy the word monsters? If you suffer from the following phobia "Hippopolomonstrosesquipedaliophobia", halt and read no more, because it describes the fear of long words. The longest word is a forty five lettered word known as "Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis". It is a lung disease caused by tiny parts of volcanic dust. Quasihemidemisemiquaver is a hundred twenty-eighth note in music. Tongue tied huh?
A diepnosophist is one who is an expert at dinner table conversations. This reminds me ,the longest after-dinner speech was given by Dr. Donald Thomas, at a city college in New york, about Vegetarian Athletic Nutrition. It lasted thirty two hours and twenty five minutes.
I came across these words whilst reading. Borborygymus is the noise which our tummy makes when it rumbles and sternuation is the act of sneezing. The dot above the letter "i" is called tittle. They say there are no words in English language which rhyme with orange, purple and silver.
A Zorse is a cross between male zebra and a female horse. A Swoose is a cross between a swan and a goose. A Lemato is a tomato that is genetically modified to give hints of lemon and roses.
I thought , correctness of language was my forte, now I know for certain that there is still a lot of room for improvement. As Josh Billings said ,"The trouble with most folks isn't so much their ignorance as knowing so many things that ain't so."

[The above is an article written by Sharbella Fernandez]

Passing Away

2007-11-15T01:34:00.004+05:30

He lay there, silent and warm,
Still in life, yet beyond all harm.
His eyes vacant, in search to seek?
Two icy tears rolled down his cheek.
No lament, no cries, no words spoken,
For here lay a man, among many men.

His chest heaved up and down,
On his forehead, was it a frown?
His breathing was soft and low,
Yet he clung on to life's glow.
No moan of pity parted his lips,
A man among men, whom Death must keep.

Then just as night alighted dawn,
We looked and knew he had gone.
We closed his open stony eyes,
His requiem was a dirge of sighs.
For here passed a man among men,
Whose like may never be seen again.

He had come like springs first shower,
To gladden and delight, many a flower.
A man in love with life was he,
Who died and lived forever free.
A now the cowardly Death has slain,
A gallant knight, a legendary man among men.

Lay him softly in his grave,
As befits a man so brave.
Sing him a painful farewell song,
For none can undo the terrible wrong.
Ah woe! So thus has passed away,
A man among men, once so say!

Soft shall the dewdrops fall tonight,
His memory shall forever be bright,
In tears of some unknown girl,
He'd shine like the brightest pearl.
Life without him wouldn't be the same,
A man among men of eternal fame.

We knew not why he lived to die,
Leaving his memories for us to cry.
Yet he came like springs first rain,
To delight and vanish... All in vain!!

Cricket on Doordarshan

2007-11-13T22:27:00.001+05:30

The on going series between India and Pakistan has been a far cry from my expectations. The matches seem dull, and the Indo-Pak rivalry doesn't seem to have triggered the fanaticism in the crowd that it normally used to. What makes the matches even dull is the DD panel of commentators, who can go to any length just to make sure that by the time the match concluded, you would have exhausted your dictionary of verbals and probably, gone ahead to create a few new ones too!!!

The commentary in Hindi is hilariously stupid and the English commentators leave no stone unturned in blowing the pronunciations and grammar of the Queen's language to pieces. I really wonder how on earth, do these people get to commentate, when their basics of english grammar is still not clear. The usage of the same expressions, over and over again, to describe a particular shot or a wicket makes the match coverage pretty depressing.

"This is a lovely ball 'balled' by an Irfan Pathan. The ball hit the deck and climbed on a Salman Butt.".... "... a beautiful sound of ball hitting timber was generated by a fastest man , the Shoaib Akhtar"... "Tendulkar slashed the bat (????) and the bat will fetch him a four run(??)."
These are some common remarks I hear in their presentation. It goes on to get worse with something like "The India has beaten the Pakistan by a large (??) margin. As per aa-war records, the India has beaten their opposing team by 46 huge runs!!" I mean this is ridiculous. Even my dogs know the correct usage of the articles and start barking the moment they hear such blunders. (Not surprisingly enough, my dogs keeps barking the entire time these morons commentate!)

And this is NOT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! What finally makes you turn suicidal are those irritating ads. The moment the batsman connects the last ball of the over, DD decides to go in for a break. The fate of that particular ball is unknown till the next bowler is about to deliver the first ball of his over. The channel seems hell bent on showing as many ads as possible,and in doing so, forgetting what they really should be showing. If somehow they return live and realise that they can push in another 4-5 ads before the viewers hear the sweet sound of the ball hitting the meat of the bat, they will not hesitate to do so. I'm totally on board with the concept of generating millions of rupees through advertisements during such a high profile match. But it irks me to know that it is being done so, at the cost of the match itself.

As an ardent Indian supporter, I wish to atleast know the fate of the last delivery. I so desire that a beauty of a classic drive or the peach of a delivery, gets the deserved recognition by these commentators.

Cricket is a religion in India. Every match which involves India is like a high profile Yagna and the commentary is the recital of the shlokas. As in a yagna, you cannot recite wrong shlokas and mantras because you don't want to suffer the wrath of the Gods. The same applies to cricket and probably this is why our team can never get everything right in a game.

Its high time DD recruits a few able commentators who actually know how to commentate and make the game worth watching. If cricket is a religion, then we obviously don't want the wrong pundits performing the puja cos afterall, its all about appeasing the cricket Gods... isn't it????

Why Not Today??

2007-11-13T13:21:00.000+05:30

We sometimes that what could be done today gets postponed to another day and it so happens that such a day never comes and a missed opportunity is forever lost. The diligent man, however, does not procrastinate but does what is to be done, then and there. It may be that he takes much time to delibrate but once a conclusion is drawn, he doesn't tarry to carry out the decision. There are also some who struggle hard tom come to a decision. The problem that they face seems insurmountable and the decision called for is not taken, Such a person hopes that the delay will blow away the problem altogether. We are told of the ostrich, when it is chased runs very fast but when it eventually tires, it hides its head in the sand, believing the pursuer cannot see it. Is it not better to face the situation, take a decision and get on with life? Even the Gospels advocates the need to make a decision. We cannot always sit on the fence. The psalms of the Old Testament say that God himself helps us to choose wisely [Ps 25:12 "Who are they that fear the Lord? He will teach them the way that they should choose" ]

Nor is it wisdom to compound our problems by delaying the decision making. Procrastination is only an added worry. Jesus says : "So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring worries of its own. Today's trouble is enough for today" [Matthew 6:34] . An action done today is already one task accomplished and thus, one worry laid aside. Ask the Lord to grant you wisdom and calmly do your tasks, leaving the fruit of the task in God's safe hands. When he worries about you, then why should you unnecessarily bother about worrying yourself?

On the contrary, the lazy man keeps postponing his action and hopes that somehow someone or the other would do the task which God had intended him to perform. The book of proverbs has an amusing description of a lazy man. "The lazy man says "there is a lion in the road!! There is a lion in the streets!!". As a door turns on its hinges, so does a lazy man on his bed. The lazy man buries his hand in the dish and is too lazy to bring it to his mouth. The lazy person is wiser in self esteem than seven who can answer discreetly" [Prov 26.13-16] .

So... Let us be up and doing!

I AM GLAD I'M A MAN

2007-11-04T10:04:00.000+05:30

So you’re glad you’re a chick? Well, I’m glad I’m a guy.
So have a seat, missy, and I’ll tell ya why
I’m so glad I’m a man, I could stand and applaud
That I don’t have to live life as a broad.

We do the same work, but I’m better paid.
There’s honor and not shame for me when I get laid.
I can get head in a restaurant booth.
Mechanics will (usually) tell me the truth.

I can go sit at a bar all alone
Without twenty drunk losers inviting me home.
Workmen and service men never do hassle me.
Car CD players don’t simply baffle me.

I can reach stuff hidden on the top shelf.
I can change light bulbs all by myself.
No one expects anything when I just flirt.
I don’t have to wear dumb stuff like hose or a skirt.

My underwear’s cotton, and three for eight bucks.
Bras are expensive and WIRE - that sucks.
I get to buy cool stuff like hammers and drills.
You have to buy makeup and birth control pills.

Never will I suffer from PMS.
It takes me ten minutes to shower and dress.
Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
I don’t have a purse full of useless old stuff.

None of my co-workers can make me cry.
When someone fails to call, I don’t give a shit why.
I never will need an electrician or plumber.
I can date someone much younger and dumber.

I’m GLAD I’m a guy, with two balls and a dick,
So I don’t have to live life as a chick.
I revel in guy-hood with joy I can’t squelch,
And I’ll celebrate every scratch, every belch.

I’m glad I’m a man, of that I am proud.
I’m not at all bitchy, annoying and loud.
I won’t try to squeeze in jeans three sizes too small.
My credit card is still good when I leave from the mall.

I won’t drink Diet Coke, or eat a rice cake.
There’s no silicone here, my chest isn’t fake.
My face isn’t “lifted,” my bra isn’t stuffed,
I do what’s proper, I leave the toilet seat up.

It doesn’t take hours to fix up my hair,
I don’t see the need to use bathrooms in pairs.
I won’t throw a tirade and then blame PMS.
I’m a man and I’m glad I can deal with my stress.

I have intuition, I never get lost.
I share household duties, I won’t try to be the boss.
I’m a man and with that comes a high sense of class,
I won’t wear a swimsuit that rides up my ass.

I won’t cry like a baby when Bambi gets shot
I don’t make up false places, like the infamous “G-spot.”
I won’t go out at night in a black mini-skirt,
then slap anybody that just tries to flirt.

I’ll never tease you, or play hard to get.
If I don’t get my way, I won’t throw a fit.
I don’t worry much about breaking a nail,
My face without makeup isn’t distorted and pale.

I’ll never say one thing while meaning another.
When life gets real hard, I won’t run to my mother.
In order to understand just who I am;
You need a Y-chromosome; it’s what makes you a man.

Emily Dickinson – Parting

2007-10-07T17:51:00.000+05:30

I found this poem by Emily Dickinson and its amazing!! Thought I would put it here so people could appreciate it too!!

My life closed twice before it’s close –
It yet remains to see
If immortality unveil
A third event to me

So huge, so hopeless to conceive
As these that twice befell.
Parting is all we know of heaven,
And all we need of hell.

Fat Chance

2007-09-16T06:18:00.001+05:30

" In the grey sky of early dawn, as stars still glowed,
sat Danny all alone, with fever bestowed!!"

In a surprising turn of events, I decided to add to the rapidly multiplying number of bloggers!! I had resigned from blogging , a long time ago, with a pledge never to haunt these pages again. But then, loneliness and boredom finally got the better of me and my dear friend ,Miss Bhootni Spears's decision to become a bugger... err.. Blogger...too just added to the cause!!!
I watched a short movie "Fat Chance" some hours ago and I was really impressed with it. It portrayed the life of a podgy guy, Neil who fell in love with this girl called Ritu (who I believe was anorexic... you know these girls right!!).It wasn't the love between them which influenced me. It was Neil's mother!! Now, before you let your mind gallop into the realms of imagination, broadened by the desibaba and desipapa stories, let me request you to restrain it a lil while longer. What made me like his mother so much was that whenever our hero was down and out, her mother made him the tastiest delicacies you would imagine. There were the cakes and the creams, the chicken of your dreams... the pastas and the noodles... the burgers and the pizzas... I mean,, you name it and rest assured, Neil's mother would have left no stone unturned , in making sure, her beloved son was stuffed to the neck, during his depression sojourn at his dining table!!! Now that's what I call a n amazing mom!! Imagine his life man.... and imagine the royal treat he would have had, when his par amour (pardon the expression) broke up with him, for a while!!!! That's Life!!! Now, I've been blessed vertically as well as horizontally, and yes, abundantly too... and it makes my tummy groan in agony, thinking about the treats I've been missing out for such a long time..
Well, I'm off to bed to dream about the goodies.now.. for tomorrow is a new day, full of new hopes and who knows, might be Neil's mum would come down and stay with us for a while!!???