Ghost-1

 

You Win,

But I Tried

To Be A Better Man,

Every Time You Cried

Random Rambling

 I seem only to remember visiting my blog, when I am depressed, drunk or too lost. Today seems another such day. To add to my existential state of being, I have added a cigarette dangling between my lips. No, certainly not a proud moment. But this too shall pass. 

I do not know what I want to write about. Its about 8 in the morning, on the Sunday of 22nd August 2021. As usual, I couldn't sleep- but on the flip side, I did not even try to sleep last night. Creature of Dark. There is no glorification or joy in being one, but I have accepted that I work better at nights, or maybe I am calmer at nights. 

So, my doctoral studies have started! I never imagined myself pursuing a doctoral degree. To be honest, I never imagined being any of what I am today. The wheels of Life keeps spinning, and I go round and round and round... Circles! No head, no tail, only moving about a pivot, on the same meaningless path. Its like afloat in the middle of a sea- maybe the Dead sea. I find it pointless floating, but then, I can neither sink. 

Yesterday I met a guy who was bullshitting about the meaning and purpose of Life. Barely 24 years old, follower of one of many charismatic Gurus, giving a discourse on how joy can be found in Life. I hate such people, who refuse to question the norms. They blindly follow what path their Guru set for them, believing that was their purpose. Calling out to others to join their fold, experience happiness, sing, dance and put your faith in what the Guru says. I am 37, miserable, unhappy, failing but stubborn! Do what you may, but I am sorry I will never let go off logic and rationale. 

Maybe my stubbornness is the biggest reason why my marriage is failing. I, on one hand, refuse to believe while my partner, on the other hand, believes to refuse every argument which calls for a logical thinking and interpretation. Sometimes I wonder why I am this way. 

But not all is lost! I have no qualms in admitting that there is someone who does love me, who cares about me as much as I do about her. There is distance between us, but the heart is confident of a future. There must be a way. It reminds me of my first serious long term relationship, and its failure does haunt me still. No, I do not want her back in life. I heard she is happy where she is and nothing pleases me more, knowing she found the perfect partner. But, I have learnt a lot from that relationship, and f anyone is reading, here is one key thing that you must bear in mind, for now and forever- Always Keep Yourself as the Focal point. There is no one else who needs to accept, nobody else to fight your fights, you are alone! To be alone, is to be strong. The world moves on, in its usual pace. 

Everybody has their own demons. I have mine, just like you have yours. The only difference is, how long can you battle them? There are times I am so tired that I give up. Some days are good, while the rest passes by in a rigmarole. 

You must carry on... 

An Obstinate Soul

I am pushing 36 now... I turn 36 on the 8th of Feb in 2020... I believe 36 years is a time long enough for one to know what society is all about... what relationships are and what they mean? You learn to identify the people you are close to and those you just want to maintain a social connect with... Hopefully, you have a spouse by now and to the lucky ones, also blessed with kids of their own.

So, basically what I am trying to say is that I am soon going to be 36 and I am not happy with myself. Professionally I think I am at a stage where I feel I have no skill set which is apt for continuing in my profession for I do not think driving a herd of student into a world of rote learning can be classified as a skill!! Personally, I have continued to be a major disaster and I am not proud to say that I do not see the trend changing. 

I have come to realise that I am messed up in my head... No, its a lie when i say that I have come to realise it now! I have known it for a long time... a very long time indeed! I have come to realise that I have not done enough to sort out the mess, and my inability to sort of one mess before i land up in another has left me drained. For a long time my psychiatrist has been asking me to learn to express my emotions... to get it out of the system!! I think she finally gave up too!!

I am not good at handling emotions and I am pathetic at expressing myself. Many times I have tried... it all rises up from my gutt, travels up and somehow gets stuck in my neck and remains a lump there. It refuses to eject itself. What follows then is a period of self abuse and mental torture... the length of which depends on how big a lump I have to deal with! I drink to the point where my brain agrees not to think anymore. I admit there have been instances where substance abuse has helped. I know the sleepless nights and the dazed look. But its the Conscience that screws around with me the most! A Dead Brain but a I-Refuse-To-Leave-You-Like-This Soul is a fucked up combination.

I think I should go for a walk... a very long walk till I drop.

Moving On....

"Only in the agony of Parting, do we look in the Depths of Love"

                                                                                                                                  - George Eliot

Its been close to a year since I was dumped. I know I could have used a politer narrative and said.. "its been close to a year since my ex-girlfriend and me split...."  but what the heck!! It doesn't actually matter how one glosses over it... the bottom line remains the same... I was dumped! And before my non existent readers believe that this post is about me seeking revenge by maligning her, let me cut short your celebrations. This is Not such a post!! This is just a post where I vent my anger at anything... everything!! So before you read on, Think Again!

When I say that I am a very slow & stubborn learner (dangerous combination), you MUST believe me!! For it is seldom that I lie and even when I do, I do it for reasons unknown and I mean no harm! My ex will disagree vehemently for sure and her current love interest will nod along. But hey, they won't be reading the post anyway...

So as I was saying... I am a very slow learner and it takes me aeons to comprehend anything. You more or less, get to know that your relationship is headed down the drain once you hear "Umm... we need to talk..... " followed by a long pause! Your mind is flooded with "What the fuck????????!!" and "What the Hell??!!". So you prepare yourself, expecting the "un"expected. You meet & the bomb is dropped and you see your "Happy Together Dream City" being obliterated before your eyes... The romantic honeymoon plans in Bhutan/Maldives turn to plans of renouncing the world and moving to the Himalayas. Life loses its sheen and nothing... I mean.. NOTHING seems right with the world anymore. The problem with people like me is that it takes me a long time to understand what actually is going on... and by the time I realise it, the event is over and all I am left with is a plethora of questions. 

With me, It wasn't the "Ummm We need to talk" dialogue. It was Circumstances and yeah, looking at it from a a non partisan view, I knew it was coming & probably break up was the rational thing for the both of us. From a selfish perspective, I declare I was the aggrieved party (.... am sure its the same for her as well). Ours was a "We met in first year of college" love story which sadly had too many ups and downs. Ten years of togetherness is a long time... quite a long time!! And After you've been through the roller coaster ride, you do expect Life to stop fucking you up and give you some breathing space. Long story short... Life continued its screwing routine and I guess you pretty much know where I am headed.  

What hurts me still is that I was dumped through a text message, decreeing "Its Over! I've had enough!!" when I was a thousand kilometers away... Ha ha Ha!! (Stop laughing ppl... some Sympathy). I mean, I am all for technology and its uses... But a relationship involves some human emotions which, no matter how advanced technology gets,  cannot replace. That was the lowest point of my life.  Sitting in the train, I was overcome with Emptiness - an outer body experience where you see yourself standing naked in the middle of a crowded room with people hurling abuses & mocking you. You realise that it can't get worse than this and its then that you spot your ex- in that crowd laughing with the rest of the mob.Thats when you realise that you had hit Rock bottom!!The realisation dawned on me that she had moved on even before she had dumped me!!  

For a year, I've been wondering and asking so many questions of myself. My psychiatrist is certain that one day she will hear from some mental asylum, that I posed a threat to society and hence have been locked up! How do you move on? How do you forget all the conversations? the togetherness? How do you forget everything?? Were all those emotions hollow? The last time I talked to her - atleast she was candid enough to tell me that she had blocked all those memories! I wanted to ask her.... How?? Where is the OFF button, that helps one hop from one relation to another? 

A relation, no matter how troubled or loving, does merit closure! It does merit one last conversation where you sit with each other and bare it all. A text message doesnt talk... It doesn't see... it doesn't empathise.. it doesn't even speak.. it only delivers. Not all relationships are bad...well, ours wasn't  (so I believe). It always takes two to tango & and same happens for a failed relationship. I'm sure I messed up way more than she did. I do wish we had talked... I do wish Circumstances hadn't fucked us all. But, a relationship where Trust falters & you feel suffocated, is doomed for disaster anyway. I guess a relationship where you started counting the sacrifices you made for the other, is better a closed chapter now than fighting for divorce in the civil courts, five years hence, arguing who gets custody of the kids.

Trust me, I have a very disturbed mind... it thinks a lot... and thinks and thinks and thinks!!! I still have no answers... I am trying to make peace with it all. Honestly speaking, I do accept that people like me should not be left loose in society and passed off as Normal. Im a ticking time bomb... dying to explode!

It is only in films that the long intervals of delayed trains, traffic intersections and non starting cars are neatly edited out. Then well may Chaplin say "Parting is sweet sorrow" to Claire Bloom to the accompaniment of a thousand violins on a railway platform in Limelight. I wish I was one of those guys who says one goodbye, turns away and walks off without looking back.. but I am not!! A break up is a game... where the one who moves on quicker is the victor. We played and I lost!

Its better to have loved and lost, than never to have Loved at all!

(To my Ex - If you ever read this, I do hope you find it in your heart to forgive me..)

Of Shrinks & Shamans

My psychiatrist (one of the three that I visit) is convinced that I am clinically depressed. Furthermore, she is also convinced that I should not be left unattended <whatever that means>. She has prescribed me a multitude of pills for the multitude of ills that I carry.  Shrinks eh!! A pill for every ill. Ha Ha!!

No, I have no issues with her. Infact, my post is addressed to her....(read on). She is a good soul and I am certain she, as a doctor, knows what is good for me. I have known her for a long time... during the bad days...  and the worst days. When I needed someone to talk to, I knew I could bank on her. I did tell her once I will call her someday after her hospital shift was over, because I needed someone to talk to. Its been close to two months now and she is still awaiting my call. I am sorry Doc... but I'm so messed up that even a battalion of Shamans and Shrinks would fail to fix me right. Ha ha.. Shamans & Shrinks.. Awesome.. This is what I shall call this post. I did meet a shaman once. Not the fake kinds.. the good one... Man, he was powerful. He never gave me any pills. We danced... we smoked.. I cried.... and we smoked more. He had a lot of nice stuff and heck, I would believe that more than the jackass priests and servants of 'GOD' whom I meet daily, this shaman was more connected to Him than all these bloody buggers!! Atleast he didn't recite me any scripted text or shloka, to prove to me that fucking me on a regular basis, was all in the Lord's grand scheme of things!! It would seem that I have a problem with God... Hmm.. Not really!! Him & Me have an understanding... He can fuck me up whenever He so desires and I shall happily bow to Him, and thank Him for all the screwing He so enjoyed. 

Anyway, since you crib that I do not talk during our sessions, and our conversation is more of.. you being the talker and I being the talkee (whats wrong in that?!! :P ), as promised, I am writing whatever comes to my mind. If you read it, great!! If you don't, even better... :Ha ha ha!!! I havent bothered about grammar and the rules of writing a good composition. I shall just blabber...

Yeah, so coming back my blabber. My Shrink & Me!! A bit about me.. I am Ahem Ahem.. You already know me or else you certainly wouldnt be reading my blog <.I certainly hope that you do not get to read it though. Lol.> Throughout my Life, I have been paying regular visits to a psychiatrist for some issue or the other. Anger management... Clinical depression.. Hallucinations.. etc etc..  I have always been apprehensive about psychiatrists and used to take a lot of pain to ensure that I was not spotted when I paid them a visit. As experience has it, it doesn't take long for people to label me as Mad or a Lunatic or (this one tops it all)... a  PSYCOPATH. I am not a psycopath, hell no!! Sigh, but who will believe me, right?? Lol. No, contrary to how I look, I do not abuse women.. I have no violent history behind me.. I do not act mad.. I do not do drugs... quit smoking & drinking a long time ago.. (now, i wonder why though!!)....I am just.. well... Lost I guess!!!

When I was growing up, I was faced with personal losses... You know that already..My way of dealing with it was simple... I would draw into a shell and deal with issues on my own. I would let no one near me. It was better being the weird unknown face than being the center of all discussion and debates. I learnt to live within my limitations. I wasn't very happy but I was doing fine. You already know about my illness and I needn't write about that. I think that arrangement I had with myself, it worked well for me. Thats why I am mostly quiet... and most importantly, thats why I am always fearful. I do not talk about myself because I don't want anyone to know me. There, I said it!! 

People begin sympathising with me. I dont need that. Just because people speak kind words to me, doesn't mean they need to behave as though they are doing me a favour!! Every time they f**k up, they leave no stone unturned in making me realise what a total f**kbag I was and how grateful I should be to them that they spared time out of their busy schedule to be to me!! Ha ha ha!!

I am stressed because I see no hope. I admit that for quite a while now, I have been quieter than I usually am. I have a million questions in my head which have no answer. The more I think, the more questions I get... and the only way I can calm myself is saying out to myself that I f**ked up. I broke my rules and as it is, a crime cannot go unpunished. Maybe all this is a punishment. Your pills do not help me in anyway. I am immune to them...its a waste of money. I cannot sleep because my dreams have been very dark . I am trying to let go... I am trying to go!!  I know you try your best, and I love you for that!! But, before I drive you mad, save yourself... or else, soon a day may come, where you will be writing the same post for your shrink!! LMAO (Hey.. its funny okay!!:P )

Of the million things on top of my head... How do you move on? How do I get over my regret that I ruined someone's life, inspite of knowing the nature of my "special gift from God"? But I didn't lie... I did not hide it!! Maybe I should have!! Was it a crime that I opened up? You cannot begin to imagine the level of guilt I have... Lol!! Why am I not allowed to dream? Why am I not allowed to believe? why am I not allowed to die? If I stop my meds, it becomes MLC. If I continue with my meds, I live... but I'm already dead!!

Dear Doc, I, being of sound mind and health (no pun intended), hereby declare that I am guilty of miserably ruining the life of a perfectly nice human being. Shoot me!

There, I said it!

Once upon a time I was good................................ but my stories always have a disastrous ending anyway. Ha ha ha!!