Ghost-1

 

You Win,

But I Tried

To Be A Better Man,

Every Time You Cried

Random Rambling

 I seem only to remember visiting my blog, when I am depressed, drunk or too lost. Today seems another such day. To add to my existential state of being, I have added a cigarette dangling between my lips. No, certainly not a proud moment. But this too shall pass. 

I do not know what I want to write about. Its about 8 in the morning, on the Sunday of 22nd August 2021. As usual, I couldn't sleep- but on the flip side, I did not even try to sleep last night. Creature of Dark. There is no glorification or joy in being one, but I have accepted that I work better at nights, or maybe I am calmer at nights. 

So, my doctoral studies have started! I never imagined myself pursuing a doctoral degree. To be honest, I never imagined being any of what I am today. The wheels of Life keeps spinning, and I go round and round and round... Circles! No head, no tail, only moving about a pivot, on the same meaningless path. Its like afloat in the middle of a sea- maybe the Dead sea. I find it pointless floating, but then, I can neither sink. 

Yesterday I met a guy who was bullshitting about the meaning and purpose of Life. Barely 24 years old, follower of one of many charismatic Gurus, giving a discourse on how joy can be found in Life. I hate such people, who refuse to question the norms. They blindly follow what path their Guru set for them, believing that was their purpose. Calling out to others to join their fold, experience happiness, sing, dance and put your faith in what the Guru says. I am 37, miserable, unhappy, failing but stubborn! Do what you may, but I am sorry I will never let go off logic and rationale. 

Maybe my stubbornness is the biggest reason why my marriage is failing. I, on one hand, refuse to believe while my partner, on the other hand, believes to refuse every argument which calls for a logical thinking and interpretation. Sometimes I wonder why I am this way. 

But not all is lost! I have no qualms in admitting that there is someone who does love me, who cares about me as much as I do about her. There is distance between us, but the heart is confident of a future. There must be a way. It reminds me of my first serious long term relationship, and its failure does haunt me still. No, I do not want her back in life. I heard she is happy where she is and nothing pleases me more, knowing she found the perfect partner. But, I have learnt a lot from that relationship, and f anyone is reading, here is one key thing that you must bear in mind, for now and forever- Always Keep Yourself as the Focal point. There is no one else who needs to accept, nobody else to fight your fights, you are alone! To be alone, is to be strong. The world moves on, in its usual pace. 

Everybody has their own demons. I have mine, just like you have yours. The only difference is, how long can you battle them? There are times I am so tired that I give up. Some days are good, while the rest passes by in a rigmarole. 

You must carry on... 

An Obstinate Soul

I am pushing 36 now... I turn 36 on the 8th of Feb in 2020... I believe 36 years is a time long enough for one to know what society is all about... what relationships are and what they mean? You learn to identify the people you are close to and those you just want to maintain a social connect with... Hopefully, you have a spouse by now and to the lucky ones, also blessed with kids of their own.

So, basically what I am trying to say is that I am soon going to be 36 and I am not happy with myself. Professionally I think I am at a stage where I feel I have no skill set which is apt for continuing in my profession for I do not think driving a herd of student into a world of rote learning can be classified as a skill!! Personally, I have continued to be a major disaster and I am not proud to say that I do not see the trend changing. 

I have come to realise that I am messed up in my head... No, its a lie when i say that I have come to realise it now! I have known it for a long time... a very long time indeed! I have come to realise that I have not done enough to sort out the mess, and my inability to sort of one mess before i land up in another has left me drained. For a long time my psychiatrist has been asking me to learn to express my emotions... to get it out of the system!! I think she finally gave up too!!

I am not good at handling emotions and I am pathetic at expressing myself. Many times I have tried... it all rises up from my gutt, travels up and somehow gets stuck in my neck and remains a lump there. It refuses to eject itself. What follows then is a period of self abuse and mental torture... the length of which depends on how big a lump I have to deal with! I drink to the point where my brain agrees not to think anymore. I admit there have been instances where substance abuse has helped. I know the sleepless nights and the dazed look. But its the Conscience that screws around with me the most! A Dead Brain but a I-Refuse-To-Leave-You-Like-This Soul is a fucked up combination.

I think I should go for a walk... a very long walk till I drop.

Moving On....

"Only in the agony of Parting, do we look in the Depths of Love"

                                                                                                                                  - George Eliot

Its been close to a year since I was dumped. I know I could have used a politer narrative and said.. "its been close to a year since my ex-girlfriend and me split...."  but what the heck!! It doesn't actually matter how one glosses over it... the bottom line remains the same... I was dumped! And before my non existent readers believe that this post is about me seeking revenge by maligning her, let me cut short your celebrations. This is Not such a post!! This is just a post where I vent my anger at anything... everything!! So before you read on, Think Again!

When I say that I am a very slow & stubborn learner (dangerous combination), you MUST believe me!! For it is seldom that I lie and even when I do, I do it for reasons unknown and I mean no harm! My ex will disagree vehemently for sure and her current love interest will nod along. But hey, they won't be reading the post anyway...

So as I was saying... I am a very slow learner and it takes me aeons to comprehend anything. You more or less, get to know that your relationship is headed down the drain once you hear "Umm... we need to talk..... " followed by a long pause! Your mind is flooded with "What the fuck????????!!" and "What the Hell??!!". So you prepare yourself, expecting the "un"expected. You meet & the bomb is dropped and you see your "Happy Together Dream City" being obliterated before your eyes... The romantic honeymoon plans in Bhutan/Maldives turn to plans of renouncing the world and moving to the Himalayas. Life loses its sheen and nothing... I mean.. NOTHING seems right with the world anymore. The problem with people like me is that it takes me a long time to understand what actually is going on... and by the time I realise it, the event is over and all I am left with is a plethora of questions. 

With me, It wasn't the "Ummm We need to talk" dialogue. It was Circumstances and yeah, looking at it from a a non partisan view, I knew it was coming & probably break up was the rational thing for the both of us. From a selfish perspective, I declare I was the aggrieved party (.... am sure its the same for her as well). Ours was a "We met in first year of college" love story which sadly had too many ups and downs. Ten years of togetherness is a long time... quite a long time!! And After you've been through the roller coaster ride, you do expect Life to stop fucking you up and give you some breathing space. Long story short... Life continued its screwing routine and I guess you pretty much know where I am headed.  

What hurts me still is that I was dumped through a text message, decreeing "Its Over! I've had enough!!" when I was a thousand kilometers away... Ha ha Ha!! (Stop laughing ppl... some Sympathy). I mean, I am all for technology and its uses... But a relationship involves some human emotions which, no matter how advanced technology gets,  cannot replace. That was the lowest point of my life.  Sitting in the train, I was overcome with Emptiness - an outer body experience where you see yourself standing naked in the middle of a crowded room with people hurling abuses & mocking you. You realise that it can't get worse than this and its then that you spot your ex- in that crowd laughing with the rest of the mob.Thats when you realise that you had hit Rock bottom!!The realisation dawned on me that she had moved on even before she had dumped me!!  

For a year, I've been wondering and asking so many questions of myself. My psychiatrist is certain that one day she will hear from some mental asylum, that I posed a threat to society and hence have been locked up! How do you move on? How do you forget all the conversations? the togetherness? How do you forget everything?? Were all those emotions hollow? The last time I talked to her - atleast she was candid enough to tell me that she had blocked all those memories! I wanted to ask her.... How?? Where is the OFF button, that helps one hop from one relation to another? 

A relation, no matter how troubled or loving, does merit closure! It does merit one last conversation where you sit with each other and bare it all. A text message doesnt talk... It doesn't see... it doesn't empathise.. it doesn't even speak.. it only delivers. Not all relationships are bad...well, ours wasn't  (so I believe). It always takes two to tango & and same happens for a failed relationship. I'm sure I messed up way more than she did. I do wish we had talked... I do wish Circumstances hadn't fucked us all. But, a relationship where Trust falters & you feel suffocated, is doomed for disaster anyway. I guess a relationship where you started counting the sacrifices you made for the other, is better a closed chapter now than fighting for divorce in the civil courts, five years hence, arguing who gets custody of the kids.

Trust me, I have a very disturbed mind... it thinks a lot... and thinks and thinks and thinks!!! I still have no answers... I am trying to make peace with it all. Honestly speaking, I do accept that people like me should not be left loose in society and passed off as Normal. Im a ticking time bomb... dying to explode!

It is only in films that the long intervals of delayed trains, traffic intersections and non starting cars are neatly edited out. Then well may Chaplin say "Parting is sweet sorrow" to Claire Bloom to the accompaniment of a thousand violins on a railway platform in Limelight. I wish I was one of those guys who says one goodbye, turns away and walks off without looking back.. but I am not!! A break up is a game... where the one who moves on quicker is the victor. We played and I lost!

Its better to have loved and lost, than never to have Loved at all!

(To my Ex - If you ever read this, I do hope you find it in your heart to forgive me..)

Of Shrinks & Shamans

My psychiatrist (one of the three that I visit) is convinced that I am clinically depressed. Furthermore, she is also convinced that I should not be left unattended <whatever that means>. She has prescribed me a multitude of pills for the multitude of ills that I carry.  Shrinks eh!! A pill for every ill. Ha Ha!!

No, I have no issues with her. Infact, my post is addressed to her....(read on). She is a good soul and I am certain she, as a doctor, knows what is good for me. I have known her for a long time... during the bad days...  and the worst days. When I needed someone to talk to, I knew I could bank on her. I did tell her once I will call her someday after her hospital shift was over, because I needed someone to talk to. Its been close to two months now and she is still awaiting my call. I am sorry Doc... but I'm so messed up that even a battalion of Shamans and Shrinks would fail to fix me right. Ha ha.. Shamans & Shrinks.. Awesome.. This is what I shall call this post. I did meet a shaman once. Not the fake kinds.. the good one... Man, he was powerful. He never gave me any pills. We danced... we smoked.. I cried.... and we smoked more. He had a lot of nice stuff and heck, I would believe that more than the jackass priests and servants of 'GOD' whom I meet daily, this shaman was more connected to Him than all these bloody buggers!! Atleast he didn't recite me any scripted text or shloka, to prove to me that fucking me on a regular basis, was all in the Lord's grand scheme of things!! It would seem that I have a problem with God... Hmm.. Not really!! Him & Me have an understanding... He can fuck me up whenever He so desires and I shall happily bow to Him, and thank Him for all the screwing He so enjoyed. 

Anyway, since you crib that I do not talk during our sessions, and our conversation is more of.. you being the talker and I being the talkee (whats wrong in that?!! :P ), as promised, I am writing whatever comes to my mind. If you read it, great!! If you don't, even better... :Ha ha ha!!! I havent bothered about grammar and the rules of writing a good composition. I shall just blabber...

Yeah, so coming back my blabber. My Shrink & Me!! A bit about me.. I am Ahem Ahem.. You already know me or else you certainly wouldnt be reading my blog <.I certainly hope that you do not get to read it though. Lol.> Throughout my Life, I have been paying regular visits to a psychiatrist for some issue or the other. Anger management... Clinical depression.. Hallucinations.. etc etc..  I have always been apprehensive about psychiatrists and used to take a lot of pain to ensure that I was not spotted when I paid them a visit. As experience has it, it doesn't take long for people to label me as Mad or a Lunatic or (this one tops it all)... a  PSYCOPATH. I am not a psycopath, hell no!! Sigh, but who will believe me, right?? Lol. No, contrary to how I look, I do not abuse women.. I have no violent history behind me.. I do not act mad.. I do not do drugs... quit smoking & drinking a long time ago.. (now, i wonder why though!!)....I am just.. well... Lost I guess!!!

When I was growing up, I was faced with personal losses... You know that already..My way of dealing with it was simple... I would draw into a shell and deal with issues on my own. I would let no one near me. It was better being the weird unknown face than being the center of all discussion and debates. I learnt to live within my limitations. I wasn't very happy but I was doing fine. You already know about my illness and I needn't write about that. I think that arrangement I had with myself, it worked well for me. Thats why I am mostly quiet... and most importantly, thats why I am always fearful. I do not talk about myself because I don't want anyone to know me. There, I said it!! 

People begin sympathising with me. I dont need that. Just because people speak kind words to me, doesn't mean they need to behave as though they are doing me a favour!! Every time they f**k up, they leave no stone unturned in making me realise what a total f**kbag I was and how grateful I should be to them that they spared time out of their busy schedule to be to me!! Ha ha ha!!

I am stressed because I see no hope. I admit that for quite a while now, I have been quieter than I usually am. I have a million questions in my head which have no answer. The more I think, the more questions I get... and the only way I can calm myself is saying out to myself that I f**ked up. I broke my rules and as it is, a crime cannot go unpunished. Maybe all this is a punishment. Your pills do not help me in anyway. I am immune to them...its a waste of money. I cannot sleep because my dreams have been very dark . I am trying to let go... I am trying to go!!  I know you try your best, and I love you for that!! But, before I drive you mad, save yourself... or else, soon a day may come, where you will be writing the same post for your shrink!! LMAO (Hey.. its funny okay!!:P )

Of the million things on top of my head... How do you move on? How do I get over my regret that I ruined someone's life, inspite of knowing the nature of my "special gift from God"? But I didn't lie... I did not hide it!! Maybe I should have!! Was it a crime that I opened up? You cannot begin to imagine the level of guilt I have... Lol!! Why am I not allowed to dream? Why am I not allowed to believe? why am I not allowed to die? If I stop my meds, it becomes MLC. If I continue with my meds, I live... but I'm already dead!!

Dear Doc, I, being of sound mind and health (no pun intended), hereby declare that I am guilty of miserably ruining the life of a perfectly nice human being. Shoot me!

There, I said it!

Once upon a time I was good................................ but my stories always have a disastrous ending anyway. Ha ha ha!!

Jaane Wo Kaise....

जाने वो कैसे लोग थे जिनके प्यार को प्यार मिला ,
हमने तो जब कलियाँ माँगी काँटों का हार मिला

खुशियों कि मंज़िल ढूँढी , तो गम कि दर्द मिलीं ,
चाहत के नगमे चाहे , तो आँहें सर्द  मिली।
दिल के बोझ को दूना कर गया , जो गम खार मिला
हमने तो जब कलियाँ माँगी काँटों का हार मिला

बिछड़ गया हर साथी देकर पल दो पल का साथ ,
किसको फुरसत है जो थामे दीवाने क हाँथ ?
हमको अपना साया तक , अक्सर बेज़ार मिला
हमने तो जब कलियाँ माँगी काँटों का हार मिला

इसको ही जीना कहते हैं , तो यूँही जी लेंगे,
उफ्फ ना करेँगे , लब सी लेंगें , आसुँ पी लेंगें
ग़म से अब घबराना कैसा। .. गम सौ बार मिला। । 
हमने तो जब कलियाँ माँगी काँटों का हार मिला 

Faithless

Sid Hart was a happy soul,  

 And popular with his friends,

In love was he with a beautiful girl,

Melody, who promised Fidelity till the end.

Tall and strong, smart and kind,

 was how Sid always was,

But one day he fell ill with fever,

and his Life came to a pause.

The doctor who, drew his blood

 Smiled and told him..

"Son,  your tests will be fine I know,

at your age, chances of serious ills are dim"

His sweetheart stood by his side,

 Promising him of all her care,

But Fever rose oh further,

 Much more than he could bear.

The blood test findings came soon,

 and Boy, was the Doctor wrong!!

the WBC count was a mountain high,

 and now, night sweats came along. 

More tests were done,  More blood was drawn,

More medicines and more pills,

But Sid was getting worse and worse

The endless pain, the rising bills

Finally after all the tests,

The doctors declared in gloom,

"Its Cancer..and its in the blood"

Nodded.. and walked out of the room

Now, Melody said, she had to go,

she recalled some urgent task.

"Get well soon",sighed she and ran,

 .... Never returned to ask.

Chemo, Radiations... drips,

They put him on many a meds,

Till finally Sid's health turned around

no longer given up for Dead.

Discharged after six months, 

he went first to meet his friends,

But none came out to see him,

"He has cancer and it would spread!!"

Saddened, he walked the lane,

to where his Melody had dwelled,

But even she didnt open her doors,

Her love gone, His misery swelled.

"O Melody!! O My Dear Love,

Is this why I fought my Death??

 To beat on your loveless door??

To see you shrink from my breath? "

"Get away from my house, Disease,

I know I was once in love with you.

But now you have the Cancer, and Im afraid

my Future with you is blue.

Get lost quick!! You reek of Death,

I loved you whence you were brave.

I am sorry I can't love you now,

with both your legs dangling in the grave"

"O false and fickle Melody!" he said
"I know why you refuse:
Although I'm hale &hearty now, 

some other man now fills my shoes.

'I wish I ne'er had seen your face;
But, now, a long farewell!
For you will be my Death' -- alas!
You will not be my Mel!'

Now when he went away from her,

His heart so heavy got,

And Life was such a burden grown,

It made him take a knot.

So round his melancholy neck, 

 A rope he did intwine,

'Alas,' he sighed 'O Broken heart

 My Melody will never be mine!'

One end he tied around a beam,

and then stood atop a bench,

 And as he jerked the wood away,

The noose became a wrench.

And there he hung, till he was dead,

as any door nail in town,

Though misery had cut him up,

It could not Cut him Down.

The grieving society sat on his corpse,

To find out why he died,

They buried Sid, that day at noon,

With a shattered heart in his inside.

The Last tears - II

"So....It's over??" he asked.

She nodded, indifferently and continued texting on her mobile

"But... I don't understand," he said, "What happened?? Is there someone else?"

She remained silent... She decided not to answer..."Don't you love me anymore, Kate? What have I done? Talk to me!"he implored.

"Yeah!! I am talking to you... I just dont want to talk about what you want to talk about!! I'm not one of your students, Dan, that you should expect me to answer each of your questions!! Jerk..." she shouted.

"Jerk?? What are you saying??" he asked bewildered, "what have I done ?"

"Ah... No no no!! YOU have done NOTHING!! Everything that is miserable in my Life is of my OWN DOING!! I have done it! I f**ked up my Life.. I forgot how to think... I forgot about my dreams.. YOU, Mr. DANIEL ANDREW O'CONNEL...did NOTHINGGGG!!", she screamed.

Silence!! His eyes blinked furiously. He looked aghast...Her mobile beeped and she returned to texting. There was a pause, before she continued;

"You know Dan... You have always misunderstood me... and you keep saying that I misunderstand you. What does that even mean?? 'Sweetheart, I think you have misunderstood me!' My foot! Misunderstand? Who gave you the right to go about telling people who misunderstood who??.... and FYI.. its not always WHOM... huh!"

He sat there silently. "Is there no hope?" he whimpered.

"Hope... The only Hope which I hope for is the hope that I could go back in Time, and kicked you so hard in your nuts when you had proposed to me. That would have served you right. No no... Wait... I hope that instead of you, Michael had proposed to me and you would have just dropped DEAD! You know, I gave up my dreams to be a model you know!" she exclaimed while continuing to message, "My life could have been a lot better... a lot better, if only I could have ........."

"Kicked me in my nuts and I had dropped dead when I had proposed," he completed.

"Dont act smart!" she retorted.

She suddenly shrieked with frustration," What the f**k is wrong with your network??"

"My network??!!" he asked.

"I mean.. the network reception at your flat. Couldn't you have found a better apartment which has Airtel network connectivity in all the rooms?? I can't use Whatsapp.!"

"You can connect to the wifi in my flat and use WhatsApp, can't you?" he suggested.

"If I do that, I'll feel obligated and may be forced to delay breaking up with you today! And I'm done feeling obligated towards you.", she said.

"Oh... I Didn't know you thought so low of me, Kate."

"You should be thankful that I think something of you. Huh!! .. and to answer your question, Yes, I am seeing someone else. He makes me feel things which you could have never made me feel Dan!! Never!! It must be my bad karma that I was stuck with you for so many years. "

"Is it someone I know?" he asked with tears welling up in his eyes.

"As a matter of fact, Yes... You remember Sid.. We met him at the New Year's Party. The tall guy with nice manners?? The one who bumped into you and even before you could, it was he who apologised to you!! Remember??"

"Yeah, I seem to have a faint recollection of him!" he choked.

"Did you know he wrote me a poem? A poem... just for me!! Sweetest Love, I Love You So... Ah, he is so dreamy... and nice.. and well mannered!!"

No more cries... No words spoken... he shut his eyes as two icy tears rolled down his cheek. "If I am really so bad, I sincerely apologise for all the misery I have caused you. I never thought it would end like this. I don't know what else to say!!"

"Umm... For starters, how about saying sorry for fucking up my life so far?" she grimaced.

"I did apologise... but let me apologise again then... I'm sorry!"

His lips quivered... head reeled..tears kept trickling down his cheeks while she looked unmoved. Finally she said, "heyy... Don't cry... We'll remain friends.. I promise! It's over ok? Now I gotta go.. I must surrprisse my Siddd!!!"

She picked up her handbag... and never a happier woman was seen, exiting a wooden door.

********************

"Ting Tong!! Ting tongggg!!".. Kate pressed the doorbell of Sid's house. "Even his doorbell sounds so dreamy... No wonder I love him!!" she said to herself. 

A young woman, about the same age as Kate opened the door. "Yes?" She asked.

"Is Sid home? I'm his girlfriend.. Kate!!"

"Sid?? You mean.. that tall Indian guy?? He had died a few days after New year. Didn't you know?"

"What?? But... I got a poem from him.. He sent it on my mobile.. See.. How can he die?? The poem is on my MOBILE, which was sent this Sunday!! See the number... +91 988*****50!! Where is Sid?"

"Umm... that's Daniel's number... Sid's best friend!!"

Darkness fell before Kate's eyes. Her knees felt weak and she fell to the ground, unconscious.

***********************

Daniel sat by his friend's grave... staring at the grave, carefully reading the gravestone.

"Don't stand by my grave and cry... I am not dead, I did not die"

The spring was in the air.. The flowers blossomed.. The weed grew wild... There was deathly silence. He had lost his best friend and lost his love. There was nobody he had to share with. Despirited, he slumped next to where his best friend lay..

His eyes were laden with tears..  A gentle breeze.. the final chills... and the last tears trickled.

The Last Tears - I

"So....It's over??" She asked.

He nodded while continuing to stare at the blank wall.

"But... I don't understand," she said, as her eyes teared up, "You had said that... you promised that we'll never part!"

He remained silent. His lips quivered... head reeled.. eyes blinked rapidly, lest the floodgates opened.

"Don't you love me anymore, Danny? What have I done? Talk to me!" she begged.

Silence!! The tears kept flowing. The eyes blinked furiously. She held his hand. Cold! She shivered through her tears. He breathed heavily.

"We can make it work Danny," she reasoned, "We have seen worse.. we will sail through this!!Don't give up on us! Things will change for the best... I know it."

No cries... no words spoken... The fan whirred above. He sat there stoically. Half an hour passed by without anyone saying a word. She continued to hold his hand, rubbing it gently between her palms.

"I have slowly been losing, darling," he finally said.

She looked at him, startled. "Nonsense!!!" she exclaimed."What are you talking about?" she asked, puzzled!

She kissed him softly on his lips... Cold were his lips... colder was the kiss.

He shut his eyes... two icy tears rolled down his cheek. She snuggled closer... He held her. "Don't let me go, Dan...", she whispered. He held her closer. She gave him strength... She knew it... She was his angel... She had taught him to live.. gave him reasons to exult.. moments to cry... victories to celebrate... defeats to ponder. She completed him.

He planted a faint kiss on her forehead. He always kissed her on her forehead. She felt comforted. Her Danny would never leave her...She knew it. "You're my angel".... he whispered.

"Can we lay like this forever Dan??" she asked. Another kiss on her forehead... She knew what it meant... She didnt care about the world... She didnt care about the society.. she didnt care about anything... He was there... She was there... together.. and nothing else mattered!!

He was weak... Cancer had taken its toll. But it didnt matter. He was hers.. "I love you Dan".. she sighed...

The moon climbed the night sky, shining in through the open window. It filled the room with silvery light... Their bodies wrapped in each others... The breeze sailedd in through the open window, carrying with it the music of the Gods. The Stars and planets move in such perfect harmony creating that music.... Even the smallest star sings like an angel in its motion. Souls have that same kind of harmony, they say....But because of the earthly bodies, the mortals can't hear it.. But he hummed... She heard him hum.

********

When they broke open the door next morning, they found her still snuggled in his lifeless arms. She knew it was over... They walked her away... She treaded softly, lest she woke him. She looked back at his spiritless body...His vacant eyes still laden with tears... She didn't cry... One last touch...She turned around, looked at the doctor and said," Did you know he loved me so much?? But tell him, I loved him more!! He is with me... yes.. he is still with me!!"

As she walked away towards the door, her reflection shone in his eyes... She walked out... and the last tears trickled..

A CONVERSATION

Does God Exist?? I don't know...
Why do you keep a cross with yourself all the time? Human Nature.
Did you believe in God? Yes, I did.
Did you believe in God? No, I didn't.
Do you believe in God?? I don't know..
If there was no God, how do you explain the origin of Universe and Life?I couldn't care less. I have my entire life to find out.
Do you read the Bible daily? No. but frequently.
What did you learn from it? Too many questions.
Did you seek help? It leads to more questions.
When did you go for Confession? I'll confess it's been a long time.
Don't you like God? Get lost and leave me alone.
God loves you nonetheless Danny!! I walked on.

The Old Man

The rain drenched Oak tree,

has a wooden bench under its boughs,

where a frail old man sits daily,

as the evening draws.

I see him everyday at five,

from the window of my room,

Trudging slowly uphill,

Be it the Fall or the Bloom!!

He sits on the bench alone till dark,

 which comes quickly on our hills,

Treading softly on the grass, 

Then he walks back where he dwells.

Who is he? I do not know,

though someone did tell me,

A 'gora Christian' he was, who had

rebelled against his family.

Fell in love with a Hindu,

 of the native Pahadi tribe,

Expelled from the Church,

 The day he took her as his wife.

Hand in hand, would they sit

Under that very old Oak tree,

Unconcerned how the world passed by,

Happy as they could be.

Then - Tragedy befell 

One chilly foggy night,

When Fever struck down his Love -

Death prevailed.... O Feeble Life!!

O how he had cried and mourned,

O What misery!! People say,

The parish priest had sent a note,

"NOW you can enter the church & pray."

That was sixty years ago, they say,

 and not a day since then he has missed,

When he would walk to the same Oak tree,

and of his departed wife , reminisced...

.
.
.
.
.

A fearsome storm had raged last night,

 and uprooted the ageing Oak tree,

Today my old man has not come,

I'm wondering where he could be!!

One day over!! Two days passed..

  Now a week has gone by,

I was certain he would come,

  - if only to see the tree & sigh!

I asked people in the bazaar, 

  and met this man, who did tell..

The old man had breathed his last,

 The night the Oak tree fell!!

MY HEART & I

I sat, while it drizzled, alone at the railway station,
"Talk to me", it said," Have with me, a conversation...
You like to be left alone, I know, but we have time to kill,
Your night mail is unduly late, and all that moves is still!"

I unheard what I heard, and not once did I blink,
My Heart looked at me... and for a moment, I think -
it was certain that I would share, convinced that I would talk,
But I ignored it as usual... and got up for a little walk.

"Danny... You're doing it to me over, disregarding me once again,
I have almost had it with you, you know!!", did my heart complain.
A deep breath I took, and silently, walked back to the lonesome bench,
My heart had begun to hurt me now, like a hammer striking a wrench.

"Listen to me Dan... for once in Life.. Listen.. I beg of you,
Your Soul was not so cold as now.. You were not always blue!!
What happened was a long time back,  and yes, Memories hurt us still,
but too long have you punished yourself and the void is hard to fill!!

The grief that you carry… the sorrows of your care
All the Pain, locked deep in me, is now difficult to bear!!
the Aches have compounded with time and press against my wall,
I'm afraid I can't take it now, CHANGE... or prepare to fall!!"

The drizzle had turned to steady rain with sudden gusts of wind,
The pain was unbearable now, but all I did was grinned...
The stubborn me, would not bend to the whims & pangs of my heart,
 The World's was still a stage, where I was nearing the end of my part.

Stubborn was my Character and Indifference was its hue,
Who had experimented with emotions once that had felt so new.
Deviated from the Script, I had crafted my own lines,
But Reality had other plans, for I had played a part, not Mine!

A searing pain shot through my left, gasping for breath was I,
Cried my heart again to me, “Danny… Change or I –
Will beat no more cause I hurt so much deep inside…
Don’t tell me I didn’t warn you... Long enough I have tried!!”

“You”, I said, “My dear heart, you know me oh so well…
The hurt I have locked inside, I have nobody to tell.
If you feel that if I don’t change, I’ll push us to our end,
Then so be it, dear Heart – but one last favour, I pray you extend.”

“No more favours!!” sighed my heart, “The Pain is too much to endure,
If you aren’t willing to Change, then it’s in vain to beat anymore!!
For once, think about the loved ones, you will leave behind to grieve!!
.. Alas!! Good bye & Sleep Well, Dear Dan, I must now take your leave!!”

There was lull for a while, when neither my heart spoke, nor me,
Silence, only broken by the breeze, rustling up the trees!!
I struggled to get up, I wished for one last stroll…
I stumbled on the rain soaked earth - the last time I did fall.

One loud whistle, then a thunder, the night mail came hurtling by,
Alone drenched on the platform… lay my Woeful Heart & a Lifeless I.

A Letter

My dearest darling Sugar,

I know you are one of the very few people who visits my blog religiously, hoping to find a new post... and I also know that you will NEVER comment on any of my posts. You will read, giggle, smile, empathize and sympathize, but never comment, even though you want to... Anyway, why should you??? After all, you do get to nag me and grumble at me everyday :P :P :P

So, I decided to SHOCK you by writing a letter to you, and posting it on my blog. You can come to my cabin and yell at me as much as you feel like :)

 I wish I was a seasoned writer, who could express himself elaborately, and hold your attention for the entire length of this letter. I don't even know where to start my letter from. They say, a strong beginning and a stronger ending, are the most critical aspects of any good composition. This letter will certainly be lacking in both. However, I feel that's perfectly acceptable, considering how we embarked on our journey in 2003. This letter follows the same pattern of our relationship - a very confused beginning (errrr.. atleast from ONE side) and yet, a near perfect journey of compatibility.

Its been over 9 years and not a day has gone by, when I do not feel blessed to have you in my life. From the days of sitting on the back benches in the classroom L323, and gazing at you through most of the lecture hours, till today, the only thing that has changed has been my linearly increasing yearning for you. My constantly elongated 'sigh's and 'hai's are proof enough for that. 

Look at you... big time researcher.. doing Phd.. in the field of photonics...soon you shall be Dr. Sugar!! I can't believe that you have grown up so quickly... but... it makes sense... I have gone from being a 20-ish guy to a "will kick the bucket anyday" buddha as well...Time just flew by!! Everyday I wake up, I wake up with a smile, chest filled with pride ... just because I know you. I know at the end of the day, you would have done something brilliant, even though you don't notice it. Its all natural you see...you do brilliant things, and you don't even notice.. I solve one stupid silly differential equation, and I announce to the world.. pride!! I only hope that one day.... just ONE DAY in life, I can make you feel as happy as you make me feel.

To be honest, I don't understand why you love me. (NO, You are not allowed to repeat the same thing. :P :P). You are so beautiful and extremely talented, while I am ugghh-lyy and the only talent I have is being untalented!!!

When I reflect on our journey together, I'm filled with shame... I have embarrassed you no ends and let you down, at almost every juncture and phase, while you have stood by me, resolutely and unperturbed all the while... never demanding.. never asking. You have grown from being a jumpy maniac to such beautiful woman, mature in thoughts, playful, intelligent and wise....... and me.... well... my only accomplishment during the same period has been the ever increasing diameter of my tummy. You deserve so much better.... soooooooooooooooooo much better!!! 

Sugar, I know I have never been a great guy to you... and I have taken so many things for granted. I dont know how I became like this... but If I could pick any woman in the world to spend every moment of the rest of my life with, it would be you. If I had a choice to have all the treasures in the world or spend my life with you, I would not even think twice... I would be with you. I am not sure how I got so lucky to have you, but I know I am the luckiest man alive, because I am with you. In all the dreams I've had in life, it seemed impossible that I would be with someone as warm and caring as you. You are everything I dreamt of and even more.

So, I am writing this today...to tell you that I LOVE YOU. I will give you my life, my love and share everything I have to offer with you. I will cherish you, honor you, cherish you, be loyal to you, and put no one else before you, forever! Please stay by my side for all eternity. My heart mind, body and soul are yours. 

Simply... I love you ... and shall do so, till the end of my life. 

Yours alone,

Manga...........

The "China" in My India

The past few days have been rather disappointing. Actually, disappointing is not even close to what I feel, but my limited vocabulary is to be blamed as I am unable to choose the right word for how I feel.

Within a span of a couple of days, I heard news of Dana Sangma comitting suicide, Loitam Richard being brutally murdered in Bangalore, and a Manipuri girl being molested in the NCR. Well, molesting women from the North East region of our "diverse" nation is nothing new. It sounds so nonchalant when I say that in my  head. "Molesting NE women is nothing new"... sigh.. Not wanting to sound  like a schmuck, i should clarify why I'm so indifferent to news of molestation and rape cases of our north eastern women. I will...

The suicide case of Dana Sangma does ring an alarm and the cold blooded murder of Loitam Richard, a first year architecture student in Bangalore, has made me  to think on a very radical ground. (No, I am not advocating any mass murder or genocide). Sadly, the  authorities of Richard's college have gone out of their way to make sure they painted him as a drug abuser as a means of hushing up the case. I have no idea what the police has done to aid solving this murder case. And whom are we kidding...? Do we really think that the police  has it in them to actually solve the case???!!! Divine blessings also can't put them on the right track... but I'm not writing this to tut-tut the police.

Now let me touch upon all that is going on in my smaller-than-a-pea sized brain... As there are too many things, hence I shan't worry about the order in which I blabber.. We have been "free" for over 60 years now. And even in that span of 60 years,the dream of national integration is a far cry from what our founding fathers had envisaged. Till today, the North East of India is unknown to many of us.. the Main Land Indians!! For most, anyone with East Asian or Mongol features is a CHINESE!! My Manipuri friend who had joined me during my post graduation course was condisered to be some guy who had come down from China, who ate funny, talked funny and looked funny. My class mates went out of their way to let this be known to him... and it was naturally expected of him to be some kung-fu champ. People would make fun of him when he talked to his family over the phone in his native Maitei language. I wonder why it was so funny??? For people who don't understand the language, what right do they have to mock the language?? Maitei may sound funny to people in Karnataka, but why mock the language?? I'm sure if they speak Kannada in Manipur, the Manipuris will find that funny. But I doubt they'll make their bewilderment so obvious.

For people in South, the only place of concern for them up north is Delhi. For many in North, it's only Chennai and Bangalore that matter... and for most in mainland India, North East does not matter!!Most of us don't even know what all states we have in the North East. There are no education hubs there.. there are no big industries there.. no big software companies.. and weirdly, many feel that you actually require a visa to visit any part of the North East. I don't blame people for their ignorance. Ignorance is bliss. We live life like a frog in a well is a great life indeed. Limit ourselves to our self imposed walls.. enjoy safety.. ridicule the other frogs who live in their wells.. fighting over which frog has the best well.. spend all our life jumping from one lily pad to the other, raising our tadpoles.. We live like we're never going to die.... and we die never having really lived.Ok, I don't know why I wrote the  previous few sentences about ignorance, but.... lets go with it.

There is my junior in post graduation, who hails from Manipur. One of the very senior professors told me she hailed from Sikkim. I said, "Ma'am, isn' she from Manipur??". Her reply was," Yes Yes.. Manipur.. Sikkim.. same thing for me. All of them look the same to me!!". She was not bothered that Sikkim and Manipur are sooooo different.It didn't bother her that inspite of she being a professor with a Phd degree, her awareness about anything outside Udupi was as good as Manmohan Singh being aware of him being the prime minister of India. (No pun intended). I think she must have said Sikkim, only because she must have been aware of the constituent college of the Manipal group.. Sikkim Manipal University. Had that not existed, may she'd have said "I think the girl is from China!!". Can people really NOT BOTHER?? I have for long said that we Indians are racists!! I mean.. Racism is ingrained in us!! By profiling everyone from Manipur to be a sikkimese, and vice versa, because my Phd professor doesn't care about either Manipur or Sikkim, is another proof how racism is inbred in us.  It was hillarious when Delhi police rounded up NE students in Delhi, thinking they were Tibetan protestors. 

The next thought is.. why do we believe that every North Easterner is a drug abuser/user/peddler?? I have no answer for that. Drug abuse is a major problem afflicting the whole wide world. Do people in Delhi not do drugs? Do some in  Bangalore not buy and sell drugs?? Isn't cannabis also a drug which we so happily use in our thandai during Holi? One of the best weed in India comes from Kerala. So, why the belief that people from Assam or Manipur or Nagaland or Sikkim are junkies??

Now coming on to women molestation. We Indians have the worst record across the world when it comes to domestic violence. Domestic violence of where women are tortured, beaten,raped and what not... by the men folk. So, anyway in our head, we men believe that women should be subservient to us. And the minute it comes to North Eastern women, they become PUBLIC PROPERTY.. just like one treats a public bus, they treat the women. I wonder why the macho men in NCR, on suddenly seeing a girl of East Asian features think that she must be a prostitute.. must be one of extreme low moral values. ???? They don't bother to understand that the culture she belongs to bestows a lot of freedom on these girls. A sort of freedom which no girl in their family enjoys. They mistake their openness to be a sign of immorality. Why?? Who is to blame?? OUR MINDSET I guess... Earlier in my post, I had said I had become indifferent to such news of molestation and rape. Sadly that is the truth. What is the end result of raising my voice against such blatant abuse of human rights and equality?? Nothing. Just another signature campaign, which will reach the President, who is too busy dreaming of her palace which the Congress is gifting her, built on Defence Land. If she does find time to understand the campaign, the reaction will only be.."My sympathies for the rape victim." Whom all should the police target for such cases?? How many men will they arrest?? The prisons in India are anyway over crowded, and if thy begin investigating all rape and molestations cases, then maybe they'll have to convert our Rashtrapati Bhawan as a make shift prison. 

I have no answer to why we are like this. Why so biased? Why so racist?? But sadly, we are.. and that is the truth. maybe we should have Visa to visit the North East.  Rather than changing and educating the mainland population about NE being a part of India, we should rather  give the whole of North East to China... cause anyway we don't care. We are only bothered about exploiting the natural resources and filling up our coffers. We in Mainland India are incapable of change, incapable of appreciating the diversity that exists in our nation.  If that were to happen, I'd certainly be the saddest man on the planet, but .................... who cares?!! Goodnight.

PS:Just incase there are readers wondering what part of India I am talking about..  North East India is... Sikkim, Assam, Arunachal Pradesh, Mizoram , Meghalaya, Nagaland, Manipur and Tripura.

The Proposal

"Danny... I need my space. I can't go on living like this. I'm sorry, but it's over!! I don't love you... There is someone else in my life", she screamed at me, as she stormed out of the restaurant.


I sat there dazed, trying to fathom what just happened, as the murmurs of people around me grew louder.. louder... and then just as it started, it died down.The elderly couple sitting on the opposite table, stared at me intently, trying to peer into my soul , trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I felt something buzzing in my ears. Bewildered that I was, I looked around to see the waiter leaning over to my shoulder. He looked sympathetic.


"Sir," the waiter whispered, "Ummm...would you still be proposing tonight?"


"I don't know!" I wondered, "Did she just dump me?" I inquired.


"I think so, sir!!", he answered.


"You really think so??", I inquired to be doubly sure.


"I think I heard her scream that it was over... Sir!!"


"Oh yeah!!" I nodded, "She did say that.... but ... We were together for all these years. What happened?" I asked him, still looking dazed.


"I think she said there is someone else... sir", he replied.


"How do you know?" I mumbled.


"She screamed that as well sir."


"Yes, She did say that..." I nodded again, " but do you think she meant it??" I added foolishly.


He silently agreed.


"Sir, I think I'll let you be alone for a few minutes before I come to take your order!!"


"No... that's ok! I think I should go."


I got up to leave when he said, "Sir... Here's the ring... and here's the bill." He handed me the ring, still looking at me sympathetically. I paid the bill, making sure I tipped him well. The elderly couple mumbled something more while I walked out of the restaurant, still bewildered and confused.

An Honest Prayer

Bhagwan, PEDC mein naiyya paar lagi to,


Church mein nariyal phod kar aunga...


Chadhaunga ek kilo motichoor ke laddoo,


n I promise, usme se ek bhi main nahi khaunga.


Paper likh kar jitni gaali di hai maine,


Un gaaliyon ko na kabhi dohraunga...


"Hello" "Hi" "Dude, Wassup" chchor,


sirf "Hail Mary" ki rat lagaunga...


Jitni baar pray karte waqt, tujhpar kam,


aur sundariyon par zyada dhyan lagaya hai...


Bhagwaan......I swear ...sab tyaag dunga main,


maan jaunga ki ye sab moh maaya hai!!


Bus bhagwan.. naiyya paar laga de meri...


Aur na tujhse koi meri arzi hai...


Daal raha hu sau ke 5 patte Donation box mein,


Maan jaa... baaki ......jo teri marzi hai!!!!

For Whom The Bell Tolled........

"Before the mountains were brought forth, or ever thou hadst formed the earth and the world, even from everlasting to everlasting, thou art God"
Psalm 90:2

Dearest brother,



It just seems like yesterday, that I was standing by your coffin , as people gathered to wish you their final goodbyes. It seems like yesterday that I was kneeling in church, as Father Mathew conducted the Requiem. It seems like yesterday that mother fainted when you were being taken away for burial... and it also seems like yesterday that I stood by watching, as your coffin disappeared slowly while they filled your grave with earth. The mournful "In paradisum" still rings in my ears... and yet, tomorrow, it'll be a year since we laid you to rest.



I don't have much recollection of how a year passed by. They say, Time heals all wounds. But nobody says, how long does it take to heal... or to even,stop hurting. We're still shocked that you're gone and we miss you so much... Mother spends hours, sitting by your grave and talking to herself. Father keeps re-reading the letters we used to write home from school... Shirley and Cathy always try to keep smiling, and Isabella keeps asking me when is her daddy returning. She was so upset when you didn't turn up for her birthday. I don't know what to tell her. She just knows that Daddy has gone to Jesus, and waits everyday for you to return. I have not the heart to tell her that you're not coming back. All of us are still trying to get on with our lives, but something or the other keeps happening which doesn't let us move on.



The media is always calling us up and they think that by doing this, they are doing us a great service. For the past one year we've been hounded by the local media for "reactions, interviews, debates" and what not!! We've changed our numbers because of them, and yet they manage to find out our new contact numbers. They ask questions like "What was your son doing in the Taj?"... "Do you miss him?"... "How did he die?"... "Which terrorist killed him??"... "What were his last words?", and none of them bother to be polite. We can't even grieve in peace. I have lost all respect for the media. Even our suffering is used to up their TRPs. I wish you were here, and even if these newsmen had come, both of us would have definitely been able to kick them away... but alone, I don't think I have the might to fight such hyenas!!

One question which they asked Dad was about, how he felt about the lone surviving terrorist, and if he was upset that the terrorist hasn't been hanged till now? Dad said, "I neither sympathise, nor empathise with him. But, I feel sorry for him. More than punishing this chap, we should punish those who indoctrinate these young people with such radical thoughts!!" I wonder how Dad finds the strength to forgive him.Earlier I was upset that he said so, but maybe Dad is right.



As usual, a lot of politics has played out since the past one year. Big big politicians make big big promises. Narendra Modi said he'll give money to the families of all those who suffered like you. I wish he had died instead of you. They think that money will fill the void in our hearts. The local MLA had come to offer "condolence" and "be with us in times of difficulty". You were right, when you said that all these politicians were the same... unsympathetic.. selfish..pompous and ill-mannered.



I wish God hadn't called you from us so soon. The only way we console ourselves is by saying to each other that He wants the best people with Him, so that they don't suffer the ills of mankind... and you were amongst the very best. I wish I could tell you how proud all of us have been of you. I know you watch over us all, from above... but I wish you could come and console Mother and Isabella.



Remember the cherry tree you planted?? I kept saying it'll never bloom and you said it will. You were so right... it finally bloomed, and the blossoms were so beautiful. Mother and Isabella made a small bouquet out of them, and placed it on your grave. I hope you liked them.



We have early winters this year. Its snowed a lot. Mother keeps worrying that you might be very cold. I told her that she needn't worry for you were resting with God, and am sure you'll be very comfortable up above. But then you know our Mother. Not a moment goes by, when we do not think of you. The initial days were very difficult. We'd keep waiting for you at the dining table... I know that gradually I might accept that you are no longer with us, but I doubt if Mother will ever feel so. Mother still lays out a plate for you...


I am sorry I wasn't there with you at the end. None of us know what must have gone through your mind, and all that you must have endured. The more I think about all that you must have suffered, the more troubled it troubles me. I tried to get all the information I could. I wrote to many people. Some were kind enough to reply, and I thank them for all the information they could share with us.


"Dust thou art, and unto dust shall thou return"...All of us are made of Dust.. and it is to Dust that we shall return... It's so true. I wish I had paid more attention to the sermons. You always told us to seek refuge in the Lord, during times of tribulation... so i have turned to Him with a hope that He will guide us through our grief.


You've left me with huge shoes to fill and I know you will continue to guide me like you have always done. If only Life could be lived in retrospect...


On the day of the Judgement, when the Lord judges the living and the dead, I know we'll all be forever re-united. Till then.....We miss you.....

Fondly remembered by.... All of us!!

"Behold, I tell you a mystery. We shall all indeed rise again: but we shall not all be changed. In a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet: for the trumpet shall sound and the dead shall rise again incorruptible. And we shall be changed. For this corruptible must put on incorruption: and this mortal must put on immortality. And when this mortal hath put on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written: Death is swallowed up in victory. O death, where is thy victory? O death, where is thy sting? Now the sting of death is sin: and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who hath given us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye steadfast and unmoveable: always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labour is not in vain in the Lord."
Corinthians 15:51-58