Saturday, July 26, 2014

Of Shrinks & Shamans

My psychiatrist (one of the three that I visit) is convinced that I am clinically depressed. Furthermore, she is also convinced that I should not be left unattended <whatever that means>. She has prescribed me a multitude of pills for the multitude of ills that I carry.  Shrinks eh!! A pill for every ill. Ha Ha!!

No, I have no issues with her. Infact, my post is addressed to her....(read on). She is a good soul and I am certain she, as a doctor, knows what is good for me. I have known her for a long time... during the bad days...  and the worst days. When I needed someone to talk to, I knew I could bank on her. I did tell her once I will call her someday after her hospital shift was over, because I needed someone to talk to. Its been close to two months now and she is still awaiting my call. I am sorry Doc... but I'm so messed up that even a battalion of Shamans and Shrinks would fail to fix me right. Ha ha.. Shamans & Shrinks.. Awesome.. This is what I shall call this post. I did meet a shaman once. Not the fake kinds.. the good one... Man, he was powerful. He never gave me any pills. We danced... we smoked.. I cried.... and we smoked more. He had a lot of nice stuff and heck, I would believe that more than the jackass priests and servants of 'GOD' whom I meet daily, this shaman was more connected to Him than all these bloody buggers!! Atleast he didn't recite me any scripted text or shloka, to prove to me that fucking me on a regular basis, was all in the Lord's grand scheme of things!! It would seem that I have a problem with God... Hmm.. Not really!! Him & Me have an understanding... He can fuck me up whenever He so desires and I shall happily bow to Him, and thank Him for all the screwing He so enjoyed. 

Anyway, since you crib that I do not talk during our sessions, and our conversation is more of.. you being the talker and I being the talkee (whats wrong in that?!! :P ), as promised, I am writing whatever comes to my mind. If you read it, great!! If you don't, even better... :Ha ha ha!!! I havent bothered about grammar and the rules of writing a good composition. I shall just blabber...

Yeah, so coming back my blabber. My Shrink & Me!! A bit about me.. I am Ahem Ahem.. You already know me or else you certainly wouldnt be reading my blog <.I certainly hope that you do not get to read it though. Lol.> Throughout my Life, I have been paying regular visits to a psychiatrist for some issue or the other. Anger management... Clinical depression.. Hallucinations.. etc etc..  I have always been apprehensive about psychiatrists and used to take a lot of pain to ensure that I was not spotted when I paid them a visit. As experience has it, it doesn't take long for people to label me as Mad or a Lunatic or (this one tops it all)... a  PSYCOPATH. I am not a psycopath, hell no!! Sigh, but who will believe me, right?? Lol. No, contrary to how I look, I do not abuse women.. I have no violent history behind me.. I do not act mad.. I do not do drugs... quit smoking & drinking a long time ago.. (now, i wonder why though!!)....I am just.. well... Lost I guess!!!

When I was growing up, I was faced with personal losses... You know that already..My way of dealing with it was simple... I would draw into a shell and deal with issues on my own. I would let no one near me. It was better being the weird unknown face than being the center of all discussion and debates. I learnt to live within my limitations. I wasn't very happy but I was doing fine. You already know about my illness and I needn't write about that. I think that arrangement I had with myself, it worked well for me. Thats why I am mostly quiet... and most importantly, thats why I am always fearful. I do not talk about myself because I don't want anyone to know me. There, I said it!! 
People begin sympathising with me. I dont need that. Just because people speak kind words to me, doesn't mean they need to behave as though they are doing me a favour!! Every time they f**k up, they leave no stone unturned in making me realise what a total f**kbag I was and how grateful I should be to them that they spared time out of their busy schedule to be to me!! Ha ha ha!!

I am stressed because I see no hope. I admit that for quite a while now, I have been quieter than I usually am. I have a million questions in my head which have no answer. The more I think, the more questions I get... and the only way I can calm myself is saying out to myself that I f**ked up. I broke my rules and as it is, a crime cannot go unpunished. Maybe all this is a punishment. Your pills do not help me in anyway. I am immune to them...its a waste of money. I cannot sleep because my dreams have been very dark . I am trying to let go... I am trying to go!!  I know you try your best, and I love you for that!! But, before I drive you mad, save yourself... or else, soon a day may come, where you will be writing the same post for your shrink!! LMAO (Hey.. its funny okay!!:P )

Of the million things on top of my head... How do you move on? How do I get over my regret that I ruined someone's life, inspite of knowing the nature of my "special gift from God"? But I didn't lie... I did not hide it!! Maybe I should have!! Was it a crime that I opened up? You cannot begin to imagine the level of guilt I have... Lol!! Why am I not allowed to dream? Why am I not allowed to believe? why am I not allowed to die? If I stop my meds, it becomes MLC. If I continue with my meds, I live... but I'm already dead!!

Dear Doc, I, being of sound mind and health (no pun intended), hereby declare that I am guilty of miserably ruining the life of a perfectly nice human being. Shoot me!

There, I said it!

Once upon a time I was good................................ but my stories always have a disastrous ending anyway. Ha ha ha!!