I seem only to remember visiting my blog, when I am depressed, drunk or too lost. Today seems another such day. To add to my existential state of being, I have added a cigarette dangling between my lips. No, certainly not a proud moment. But this too shall pass.
I do not know what I want to write about. Its about 8 in the morning, on the Sunday of 22nd August 2021. As usual, I couldn't sleep- but on the flip side, I did not even try to sleep last night. Creature of Dark. There is no glorification or joy in being one, but I have accepted that I work better at nights, or maybe I am calmer at nights.
So, my doctoral studies have started! I never imagined myself pursuing a doctoral degree. To be honest, I never imagined being any of what I am today. The wheels of Life keeps spinning, and I go round and round and round... Circles! No head, no tail, only moving about a pivot, on the same meaningless path. Its like afloat in the middle of a sea- maybe the Dead sea. I find it pointless floating, but then, I can neither sink.
Yesterday I met a guy who was bullshitting about the meaning and purpose of Life. Barely 24 years old, follower of one of many charismatic Gurus, giving a discourse on how joy can be found in Life. I hate such people, who refuse to question the norms. They blindly follow what path their Guru set for them, believing that was their purpose. Calling out to others to join their fold, experience happiness, sing, dance and put your faith in what the Guru says. I am 37, miserable, unhappy, failing but stubborn! Do what you may, but I am sorry I will never let go off logic and rationale.
Maybe my stubbornness is the biggest reason why my marriage is failing. I, on one hand, refuse to believe while my partner, on the other hand, believes to refuse every argument which calls for a logical thinking and interpretation. Sometimes I wonder why I am this way.
But not all is lost! I have no qualms in admitting that there is someone who does love me, who cares about me as much as I do about her. There is distance between us, but the heart is confident of a future. There must be a way. It reminds me of my first serious long term relationship, and its failure does haunt me still. No, I do not want her back in life. I heard she is happy where she is and nothing pleases me more, knowing she found the perfect partner. But, I have learnt a lot from that relationship, and f anyone is reading, here is one key thing that you must bear in mind, for now and forever- Always Keep Yourself as the Focal point. There is no one else who needs to accept, nobody else to fight your fights, you are alone! To be alone, is to be strong. The world moves on, in its usual pace.
Everybody has their own demons. I have mine, just like you have yours. The only difference is, how long can you battle them? There are times I am so tired that I give up. Some days are good, while the rest passes by in a rigmarole.
You must carry on...
