Monday, March 30, 2015

Moving On....



"Only in the agony of Parting, do we look in the Depths of Love"
                                                                                                                                  - George Eliot

Its been close to a year since I was dumped. I know I could have used a politer narrative and said.. "its been close to a year since my ex-girlfriend and me split...."  but what the heck!! It doesn't actually matter how one glosses over it... the bottom line remains the same... I was dumped! And before my non existent readers believe that this post is about me seeking revenge by maligning her, let me cut short your celebrations. This is Not such a post!! This is just a post where I vent my anger at anything... everything!! So before you read on, Think Again!

When I say that I am a very slow & stubborn learner (dangerous combination), you MUST believe me!! For it is seldom that I lie and even when I do, I do it for reasons unknown and I mean no harm! My ex will disagree vehemently for sure and her current love interest will nod along. But hey, they won't be reading the post anyway...

So as I was saying... I am a very slow learner and it takes me aeons to comprehend anything. You more or less, get to know that your relationship is headed down the drain once you hear "Umm... we need to talk..... " followed by a long pause! Your mind is flooded with "What the fuck????????!!" and "What the Hell??!!". So you prepare yourself, expecting the "un"expected. You meet & the bomb is dropped and you see your "Happy Together Dream City" being obliterated before your eyes... The romantic honeymoon plans in Bhutan/Maldives turn to plans of renouncing the world and moving to the Himalayas. Life loses its sheen and nothing... I mean.. NOTHING seems right with the world anymore. The problem with people like me is that it takes me a long time to understand what actually is going on... and by the time I realise it, the event is over and all I am left with is a plethora of questions. 

With me, It wasn't the "Ummm We need to talk" dialogue. It was Circumstances and yeah, looking at it from a a non partisan view, I knew it was coming & probably break up was the rational thing for the both of us. From a selfish perspective, I declare I was the aggrieved party (.... am sure its the same for her as well). Ours was a "We met in first year of college" love story which sadly had too many ups and downs. Ten years of togetherness is a long time... quite a long time!! And After you've been through the roller coaster ride, you do expect Life to stop fucking you up and give you some breathing space. Long story short... Life continued its screwing routine and I guess you pretty much know where I am headed.  

What hurts me still is that I was dumped through a text message, decreeing "Its Over! I've had enough!!" when I was a thousand kilometers away... Ha ha Ha!! (Stop laughing ppl... some Sympathy). I mean, I am all for technology and its uses... But a relationship involves some human emotions which, no matter how advanced technology gets,  cannot replace. That was the lowest point of my life.  Sitting in the train, I was overcome with Emptiness - an outer body experience where you see yourself standing naked in the middle of a crowded room with people hurling abuses & mocking you. You realise that it can't get worse than this and its then that you spot your ex- in that crowd laughing with the rest of the mob.Thats when you realise that you had hit Rock bottom!!The realisation dawned on me that she had moved on even before she had dumped me!!  

For a year, I've been wondering and asking so many questions of myself. My psychiatrist is certain that one day she will hear from some mental asylum, that I posed a threat to society and hence have been locked up! How do you move on? How do you forget all the conversations? the togetherness? How do you forget everything?? Were all those emotions hollow? The last time I talked to her - atleast she was candid enough to tell me that she had blocked all those memories! I wanted to ask her.... How?? Where is the OFF button, that helps one hop from one relation to another? 

A relation, no matter how troubled or loving, does merit closure! It does merit one last conversation where you sit with each other and bare it all. A text message doesnt talk... It doesn't see... it doesn't empathise.. it doesn't even speak.. it only delivers. Not all relationships are bad...well, ours wasn't  (so I believe). It always takes two to tango & and same happens for a failed relationship. I'm sure I messed up way more than she did. I do wish we had talked... I do wish Circumstances hadn't fucked us all. But, a relationship where Trust falters & you feel suffocated, is doomed for disaster anyway. I guess a relationship where you started counting the sacrifices you made for the other, is better a closed chapter now than fighting for divorce in the civil courts, five years hence, arguing who gets custody of the kids.

Trust me, I have a very disturbed mind... it thinks a lot... and thinks and thinks and thinks!!! I still have no answers... I am trying to make peace with it all. Honestly speaking, I do accept that people like me should not be left loose in society and passed off as Normal. Im a ticking time bomb... dying to explode!

It is only in films that the long intervals of delayed trains, traffic intersections and non starting cars are neatly edited out. Then well may Chaplin say "Parting is sweet sorrow" to Claire Bloom to the accompaniment of a thousand violins on a railway platform in Limelight. I wish I was one of those guys who says one goodbye, turns away and walks off without looking back.. but I am not!! A break up is a game... where the one who moves on quicker is the victor. We played and I lost!

Its better to have loved and lost, than never to have Loved at all!

(To my Ex - If you ever read this, I do hope you find it in your heart to forgive me..)

Saturday, July 26, 2014

Of Shrinks & Shamans

My psychiatrist (one of the three that I visit) is convinced that I am clinically depressed. Furthermore, she is also convinced that I should not be left unattended <whatever that means>. She has prescribed me a multitude of pills for the multitude of ills that I carry.  Shrinks eh!! A pill for every ill. Ha Ha!!

No, I have no issues with her. Infact, my post is addressed to her....(read on). She is a good soul and I am certain she, as a doctor, knows what is good for me. I have known her for a long time... during the bad days...  and the worst days. When I needed someone to talk to, I knew I could bank on her. I did tell her once I will call her someday after her hospital shift was over, because I needed someone to talk to. Its been close to two months now and she is still awaiting my call. I am sorry Doc... but I'm so messed up that even a battalion of Shamans and Shrinks would fail to fix me right. Ha ha.. Shamans & Shrinks.. Awesome.. This is what I shall call this post. I did meet a shaman once. Not the fake kinds.. the good one... Man, he was powerful. He never gave me any pills. We danced... we smoked.. I cried.... and we smoked more. He had a lot of nice stuff and heck, I would believe that more than the jackass priests and servants of 'GOD' whom I meet daily, this shaman was more connected to Him than all these bloody buggers!! Atleast he didn't recite me any scripted text or shloka, to prove to me that fucking me on a regular basis, was all in the Lord's grand scheme of things!! It would seem that I have a problem with God... Hmm.. Not really!! Him & Me have an understanding... He can fuck me up whenever He so desires and I shall happily bow to Him, and thank Him for all the screwing He so enjoyed. 

Anyway, since you crib that I do not talk during our sessions, and our conversation is more of.. you being the talker and I being the talkee (whats wrong in that?!! :P ), as promised, I am writing whatever comes to my mind. If you read it, great!! If you don't, even better... :Ha ha ha!!! I havent bothered about grammar and the rules of writing a good composition. I shall just blabber...

Yeah, so coming back my blabber. My Shrink & Me!! A bit about me.. I am Ahem Ahem.. You already know me or else you certainly wouldnt be reading my blog <.I certainly hope that you do not get to read it though. Lol.> Throughout my Life, I have been paying regular visits to a psychiatrist for some issue or the other. Anger management... Clinical depression.. Hallucinations.. etc etc..  I have always been apprehensive about psychiatrists and used to take a lot of pain to ensure that I was not spotted when I paid them a visit. As experience has it, it doesn't take long for people to label me as Mad or a Lunatic or (this one tops it all)... a  PSYCOPATH. I am not a psycopath, hell no!! Sigh, but who will believe me, right?? Lol. No, contrary to how I look, I do not abuse women.. I have no violent history behind me.. I do not act mad.. I do not do drugs... quit smoking & drinking a long time ago.. (now, i wonder why though!!)....I am just.. well... Lost I guess!!!

When I was growing up, I was faced with personal losses... You know that already..My way of dealing with it was simple... I would draw into a shell and deal with issues on my own. I would let no one near me. It was better being the weird unknown face than being the center of all discussion and debates. I learnt to live within my limitations. I wasn't very happy but I was doing fine. You already know about my illness and I needn't write about that. I think that arrangement I had with myself, it worked well for me. Thats why I am mostly quiet... and most importantly, thats why I am always fearful. I do not talk about myself because I don't want anyone to know me. There, I said it!! 
People begin sympathising with me. I dont need that. Just because people speak kind words to me, doesn't mean they need to behave as though they are doing me a favour!! Every time they f**k up, they leave no stone unturned in making me realise what a total f**kbag I was and how grateful I should be to them that they spared time out of their busy schedule to be to me!! Ha ha ha!!

I am stressed because I see no hope. I admit that for quite a while now, I have been quieter than I usually am. I have a million questions in my head which have no answer. The more I think, the more questions I get... and the only way I can calm myself is saying out to myself that I f**ked up. I broke my rules and as it is, a crime cannot go unpunished. Maybe all this is a punishment. Your pills do not help me in anyway. I am immune to them...its a waste of money. I cannot sleep because my dreams have been very dark . I am trying to let go... I am trying to go!!  I know you try your best, and I love you for that!! But, before I drive you mad, save yourself... or else, soon a day may come, where you will be writing the same post for your shrink!! LMAO (Hey.. its funny okay!!:P )

Of the million things on top of my head... How do you move on? How do I get over my regret that I ruined someone's life, inspite of knowing the nature of my "special gift from God"? But I didn't lie... I did not hide it!! Maybe I should have!! Was it a crime that I opened up? You cannot begin to imagine the level of guilt I have... Lol!! Why am I not allowed to dream? Why am I not allowed to believe? why am I not allowed to die? If I stop my meds, it becomes MLC. If I continue with my meds, I live... but I'm already dead!!

Dear Doc, I, being of sound mind and health (no pun intended), hereby declare that I am guilty of miserably ruining the life of a perfectly nice human being. Shoot me!

There, I said it!

Once upon a time I was good................................ but my stories always have a disastrous ending anyway. Ha ha ha!!

Monday, May 05, 2014

Jaane Wo Kaise....

जाने वो कैसे लोग थे जिनके प्यार को प्यार मिला ,
हमने तो जब कलियाँ माँगी काँटों का हार मिला

खुशियों कि मंज़िल ढूँढी , तो गम कि दर्द मिलीं ,
चाहत के नगमे चाहे , तो आँहें सर्द  मिली।
दिल के बोझ को दूना कर गया , जो गम खार मिला
हमने तो जब कलियाँ माँगी काँटों का हार मिला

बिछड़ गया हर साथी देकर पल दो पल का साथ ,
किसको फुरसत है जो थामे दीवाने क हाँथ ?
हमको अपना साया तक , अक्सर बेज़ार मिला
हमने तो जब कलियाँ माँगी काँटों का हार मिला

इसको ही जीना कहते हैं , तो यूँही जी लेंगे,
उफ्फ ना करेँगे , लब सी लेंगें , आसुँ पी लेंगें
ग़म से अब घबराना कैसा। .. गम सौ बार मिला। । 
हमने तो जब कलियाँ माँगी काँटों का हार मिला 

Faithless



Sid Hart was a happy soul,  
 And popular with his friends,
In love was he with a beautiful girl,
Melody, who promised Fidelity till the end.

Tall and strong, smart and kind,
 was how Sid always was,
But one day he fell ill with fever,
and his Life came to a pause.

The doctor who, drew his blood
 Smiled and told him..
"Son,  your tests will be fine I know,
at your age, chances of serious ills are dim"

His sweetheart stood by his side,
 Promising him of all her care,
But Fever rose oh further,
 Much more than he could bear.

The blood test findings came soon,
 and Boy, was the Doctor wrong!!
the WBC count was a mountain high,
 and now, night sweats came along. 

More tests were done,  More blood was drawn,
More medicines and more pills,
But Sid was getting worse and worse
The endless pain, the rising bills

Finally after all the tests,
The doctors declared in gloom,
"Its Cancer..and its in the blood"
Nodded.. and walked out of the room

Now, Melody said, she had to go,
she recalled some urgent task.
"Get well soon",sighed she and ran,
 .... Never returned to ask.

Chemo, Radiations... drips,
They put him on many a meds,
Till finally Sid's health turned around
no longer given up for Dead.

Discharged after six months, 
he went first to meet his friends,
But none came out to see him,
"He has cancer and it would spread!!"

Saddened, he walked the lane,
to where his Melody had dwelled,
But even she didnt open her doors,
Her love gone, His misery swelled.

"O Melody!! O My Dear Love,
Is this why I fought my Death??
 To beat on your loveless door??
To see you shrink from my breath? "

"Get away from my house, Disease,
I know I was once in love with you.
But now you have the Cancer, and Im afraid
my Future with you is blue.

Get lost quick!! You reek of Death,
I loved you whence you were brave.
I am sorry I can't love you now,
with both your legs dangling in the grave"

"O false and fickle Melody!" he said
"I know why you refuse:
Although I'm hale &hearty now, 
some other man now fills my shoes.

'I wish I ne'er had seen your face;
But, now, a long farewell!
For you will be my Death' -- alas!
You will not be my Mel!'

Now when he went away from her,
His heart so heavy got,
And Life was such a burden grown,
It made him take a knot.

So round his melancholy neck, 
 A rope he did intwine,
'Alas,' he sighed 'O Broken heart
 My Melody will never be mine!'

One end he tied around a beam,
and then stood atop a bench,
 And as he jerked the wood away,
The noose became a wrench.

And there he hung, till he was dead,
as any door nail in town,
Though misery had cut him up,
It could not Cut him Down.

The grieving society sat on his corpse,
To find out why he died,
They buried Sid, that day at noon,
With a shattered heart in his inside.





Tuesday, January 21, 2014

The Last tears - II

"So....It's over??" he asked.

She nodded, indifferently and continued texting on her mobile

"But... I don't understand," he said, "What happened?? Is there someone else?"

She remained silent... She decided not to answer..."Don't you love me anymore, Kate? What have I done? Talk to me!"he implored.

"Yeah!! I am talking to you... I just dont want to talk about what you want to talk about!! I'm not one of your students, Dan, that you should expect me to answer each of your questions!! Jerk..." she shouted.

"Jerk?? What are you saying??" he asked bewildered, "what have I done ?"

"Ah... No no no!! YOU have done NOTHING!! Everything that is miserable in my Life is of my OWN DOING!! I have done it! I f**ked up my Life.. I forgot how to think... I forgot about my dreams.. YOU, Mr. DANIEL ANDREW O'CONNEL...did NOTHINGGGG!!", she screamed.

Silence!! His eyes blinked furiously. He looked aghast...Her mobile beeped and she returned to texting. There was a pause, before she continued;

"You know Dan... You have always misunderstood me... and you keep saying that I misunderstand you. What does that even mean?? 'Sweetheart, I think you have misunderstood me!' My foot! Misunderstand? Who gave you the right to go about telling people who misunderstood who??.... and FYI.. its not always WHOM... huh!"

He sat there silently. "Is there no hope?" he whimpered.

"Hope... The only Hope which I hope for is the hope that I could go back in Time, and kicked you so hard in your nuts when you had proposed to me. That would have served you right. No no... Wait... I hope that instead of you, Michael had proposed to me and you would have just dropped DEAD! You know, I gave up my dreams to be a model you know!" she exclaimed while continuing to message, "My life could have been a lot better... a lot better, if only I could have ........."

"Kicked me in my nuts and I had dropped dead when I had proposed," he completed.

"Dont act smart!" she retorted.

She suddenly shrieked with frustration," What the f**k is wrong with your network??"

"My network??!!" he asked.

"I mean.. the network reception at your flat. Couldn't you have found a better apartment which has Airtel network connectivity in all the rooms?? I can't use Whatsapp.!"

"You can connect to the wifi in my flat and use WhatsApp, can't you?" he suggested.

"If I do that, I'll feel obligated and may be forced to delay breaking up with you today! And I'm done feeling obligated towards you.", she said.

"Oh... I Didn't know you thought so low of me, Kate."

"You should be thankful that I think something of you. Huh!! .. and to answer your question, Yes, I am seeing someone else. He makes me feel things which you could have never made me feel Dan!! Never!! It must be my bad karma that I was stuck with you for so many years. "

"Is it someone I know?" he asked with tears welling up in his eyes.

"As a matter of fact, Yes... You remember Sid.. We met him at the New Year's Party. The tall guy with nice manners?? The one who bumped into you and even before you could, it was he who apologised to you!! Remember??"

"Yeah, I seem to have a faint recollection of him!" he choked.

"Did you know he wrote me a poem? A poem... just for me!! Sweetest Love, I Love You So... Ah, he is so dreamy... and nice.. and well mannered!!"

No more cries... No words spoken... he shut his eyes as two icy tears rolled down his cheek. "If I am really so bad, I sincerely apologise for all the misery I have caused you. I never thought it would end like this. I don't know what else to say!!"

"Umm... For starters, how about saying sorry for fucking up my life so far?" she grimaced.

"I did apologise... but let me apologise again then... I'm sorry!"

His lips quivered... head reeled..tears kept trickling down his cheeks while she looked unmoved. Finally she said, "heyy... Don't cry... We'll remain friends.. I promise! It's over ok? Now I gotta go.. I must surrprisse my Siddd!!!"

She picked up her handbag... and never a happier woman was seen, exiting a wooden door.

********************

"Ting Tong!! Ting tongggg!!".. Kate pressed the doorbell of Sid's house. "Even his doorbell sounds so dreamy... No wonder I love him!!" she said to herself. 

A young woman, about the same age as Kate opened the door. "Yes?" She asked.

"Is Sid home? I'm his girlfriend.. Kate!!"

"Sid?? You mean.. that tall Indian guy?? He had died a few days after New year. Didn't you know?"

"What?? But... I got a poem from him.. He sent it on my mobile.. See.. How can he die?? The poem is on my MOBILE, which was sent this Sunday!! See the number... +91 988*****50!! Where is Sid?"

"Umm... that's Daniel's number... Sid's best friend!!"

Darkness fell before Kate's eyes. Her knees felt weak and she fell to the ground, unconscious.

***********************

Daniel sat by his friend's grave... staring at the grave, carefully reading the gravestone.

"Don't stand by my grave and cry... I am not dead, I did not die"


The spring was in the air.. The flowers blossomed.. The weed grew wild... There was deathly silence. He had lost his best friend and lost his love. There was nobody he had to share with. Despirited, he slumped next to where his best friend lay..

His eyes were laden with tears..  A gentle breeze.. the final chills... and the last tears trickled.