My Nirvana

Another sunrise... another tomorrow, and I've made it through another day. As I deteriorate slowly, I think I'm at peace with myself. Day by day, I've begun to understand Life and her ways. "Too late" , some might opine, but then it's better late than never. I wasn't so smart anyway.

Life is indeed a beautiful woman... a seductress... for as long as I kept trying to seize control of her, she eluded me. Whenever I thought I had her in my grasp, she just sailed away, riding the breeze. She would then turn back to look at me, her eyes filled with scorn and tease as I looked on... more exposed, feeble and marooned than I ever was. Filled with anger and vengeance, I would always try again... I always would... and she always knew I would. "This time", would I say," this time when I catch hold of you, I'll teach you a lesson which you'll never forget. " My threats did not frighten her. Nothing did!!

Looking back now, I know not why I wanted to trap her. Maybe her independence irked me. Here I was, chained by responsibilities, education, the norms of the society, dreams and destinations and there she was.... carefree...wild... free spirited. When I lay sick in the hospital,she was around. But never did she ask me about my health or about my pains. Whenever my lab tests came back and announced the most uncomfortable results, she would only sing and dance. Everything about her made me loathe her, but then everything about her also made me want her. Maybe I was just in love with my contradictions but then it were also my contradictions which taught me to hate.

One day, she just disappeared. Just like that! No scorns, no taunts, no grins... She just vanished.

The same day tragedy struck and my world fell apart. I stood in the morgue, amidst 19 other severely burnt bodies, trying to identify my brother. The little hope I had of getting news of him being alive, was shattered by the locket he wore. It carried the picture of his one year old daughter. I had never , in my wildest of wild dreams, imagined that someday I'd see him in such a state. I recognised his face...Yes, I recognised him. His last days were very troubled and his end shall keep me troubled for the rest of my life.

The day of the burial, I saw her again. She stood next to me, clad in black, like all of us, and she was mourning. I saw her cry and I cried. Even after everyone left, she stood there with me. No words spoken. Then she disappeared. For long I didn't see her. I was busy with the undertaker, the tombstone orders and with his family lawyers.

It was on New years Eve that I finally saw her again. She was walking in the family cemetery, mindless and not perturbed by anything. This time, for a change, I smiled at her. She grinned back at me. I started wiping snow off the tombstones, when she sat by me.

"Why do you despise me so much?" Life asked. I said ,"I don't know exactly.. Maybe I feel cheated for having suffered so much, while you roamed around careless and happy. You've scorned me all my life. You've been unsympathetic and mean. I've been honest all my life and I've done nothing to deserve to be treated this way. "

"Is that all??", she giggled and continued, " I'm no different from you. Infact, I am YOU. The only difference is that in your attempts to seize and control me, you miss out on all the little moments of joy which come along. I, on the other hand, show you what you can be. You forget to enjoy what you have been blessed with. You have the gift of vision , the gift to feel and to touch, the gift of taste, the gift to understand and the gift to appreciate. You have resented me all this while, and thus you have been unable to enjoy Me.. Your life!! Learn to accept me and not fight me."

There it was! The secret of Life! All that is needed is to be able to accept. I'm at peace with myself ever since. Life, for long, has been a subject of constant debate. Great thinkers have tried to find the meaning of Life. Mathematicians have even attempted to express Her as a polynomial with many unknown variables. Other people have written extensively about how Life is just a misery, and the ultimate aim of her, is to be spent, in trying to achieve Nirvana. I agree with none. Life is a concoction of all that you can feel...There is joy, there is sorrow, there are deaths and there are births, but it is up to us to cherish every moment of Life. Even the chirping of birds can lift your spirits, as long as you try and be one with it. Acceptance is all that is needed and you'll find joy everywhere. This is Nirvana.

Trust me, the day you stop fighting her, Life turns out to be quite a woman!!