News At Nine

( The post below is a figment of imagination, and is not intended to mock any particular journalist or news channel. Any reporter/journalist/TV news channel producer, who comes across this post, is advised to click here, and enjoy the posts of one of my good friends. Those of you who decide to read this 'informative post', should do so at your own risk. Any one of you , who tries to screw me Barkha Dutt style should know that I am a VERY POOR man and I cannot afford to pay any legal fees. )

In the brightly lit studio of INB news channel, sits the famous bespectacled journalist Pranab Dutta, along with Billo Kumari, flashing a broad smile. The news desk is lit, the mic has been hooked to them, as the producer shouts, "Silence.... Pranab, we are rolling in 3.... 2.... 1.... go!!" The studio thunders with music and as it dies out....

Pranab Dutta- "Hello and welcome to the news at nine, on your favourite news channel... INB, which was also the most viewed news channel during the latest Lok Sabha Elections. Please DO NOT.. and I repeat.. DO NOT believe the other channels when they try and claim to be the number 1 news channel. We, and only WE at INB news have been awarded the recognition of being India's NUMBER ONE news channel.. the numero uno... and we have displayed it on our website with the COA stamp. Lets proceed with the headlines...

(fading music)

Manmohan Singh caught on camera taking orders from someone other than Sonia Gandhi , and that is our INB news EXCLUSIVE...


Lal Krishna Advani admits that Narendra Modi was bullying him during the campaign, and lodges complaint with Rajnath Singh...


In International news that we are tracking... Pakistan PM admits that he has a crush on Mayawati...


and in sports, Force India finally scores a point in the Turkey GP..."

(music dies out completely)

Billo Kumari- "In a surprising incident which your favourite news channel caught on tape, prime minister Manmohan Singh was caught taking orders from a lady, other than Sonia Gandhi. This has infuriated Mrs. Gandhi, and she has been reportedly, sulking in 10 Janpath, along with the other Congress loyalists, with many clamouring for his immediate resignation."

P.D- "What is even more surprising are the reports of Lal Krishna Advani, calling up Mrs. Gandhi, and consoling her. Your beloved news channel has also learnt that Shree Advani has requested Mrs. Gandhi to declare this as a national tragedy. This rather bizarre request has also found resonance in the Congress party. For more on this, lets join our reporter Gurcharan, who has been tracking this news.... Gurcharan, what do you have for us....???"

Gurcharan (over the video phone)- "Yes Pranab... As soon as we had a whiff of this news, we got into our News Channel Van (which has been voted as the sexiest News van in India), and reached the PM's residence. En route, we decided to have lunch at Kakke Da Dhaba. We ordered three plates of Butter Chicken, 30 Butter Naans, 11 Cokes and..."

P.D.- "Gurcharan, .. Gur.. Gurcharan... That is besides the point.. and remember that the channel will not reimburse you for your lunch... What happened when you reached the PM's residence..??"

Gurcharan- "Yes Pranab.. like I was saying.. After a good heavy lunch, we went to the PM's house and saw a woman, in her late 60s, entering the house. Dr. Manmohan came out to greet her, and she told him to fetch her mobile phone from the car. Dr. Manmohan Singh immediately obliged and fetched her mobile from a rather odd looking Maruti 800. Pranab, you can clearly see in the video that we sent you, how Manmohan Singh's facial expression changes when he realises that he has been filmed...."

B.K- "Indeed Gurcharan, he seems to have seen a ghost... His face is all white, and you can clearly see him trying to run away as soon as possible... Gurcharan... You've done the nation proud... Great work... We are joined in our Delhi studio by none other than the spokesperson for the BJP, Shree Priyesh Javlekar... "

B.K(turning to Priyesh Javlekar) - "Javlekar sahab, what is this?? The PM of our country, a country which is looked upon by the world, to be the most moral of the nations... and it is our PM.. a man known for his honesty.. a man renowned for his loyalty... a man known for his faithfullness.. a man loved by many... a man who goes to Saint George Bush and tells him that ALL OF INDIA LOVES HIM...and now, he is caught taking orders from some unknown woman...what do you make of all this?? "

Priyesh Javlekar- "Exactly as you are seeing today. The PM has brought shame shame poppy shame to the nation. I think the PM should own moral responsibility for this rather immoral act, and step down from his post. PM should be ashamed of his act. He is too old to be flirting now. I am sure BJP will provide a better and moral government at the center. When i heard this news on your channel, I was.."

P.D (cutting short Mr. Javlekar)- "yes sir, only OUR CHANNEL has this exclusive news and that's why are NUMBER ONE...."

P.J.- "Egg-jactly.... yeah, like I was saying... When I heard this news on your channel..."

P.D (cutting short Mr. Javlekar again)- "its not just "YOUR" channel sir.. it is the nations channel, and it is the love of the people that makes us the best... please continue.."

P.J.- "Yes Yes... absolutely.. as I was saying.. when I saw the news on the nations favourite channel, i was..."

P.D (cutting short Mr. Javlekar again)- "It is also the number one news channel sir... and we have documentary proof as well..."

P.J.- "Well... As i was saying, when I heard this news on the nations favourite number one channel, I was appalled... My wife fainted on hearing the news, and I had a tough time carrying her back to bed... "

P.D.- "But Mr. Javlekar, I want to know the truth, and nothing but the truth.. the truth as true as colour of your beard... what guarantee can you give the nation, this great nation of great people... that .... (Loud Music) .. ladies and gentlemen, we have BREAKING NEWS COMING IN... BREAKING NEWS... Yes, it is a breaking news... over to you Niharika..."

Niharika- "Well.. thank you Pranab and Billo... In breaking news that is just coming in, we have learnt that Katrina Kaif has rejected Salman Khan's marriage proposal... Salman Khan had proposed to Katrina, on his 43rd birthday, and Katrina said she needed time to think. Today, on her 20th birthday, Katrina Kaif has finally rejected his proposal citing the age difference as the major issue. It is ,reportedly , learnt that Katrina told Salman that she looked up to him, as a father like figure and that she had no daddy issues, thus isn't stupid enough to get married to someone twice her age. Salman Khan has been reported to be sulking and has gone to get drunk with his friends. Going by Salman Khan's past driving record, public is warned against sleeping on the streets tonight. We'll continue to monitor this rather important national news....Important to all the girls you see.. who knows, maybe he'll marry me.. My sapnon ka rajkumar... (blush .. blush)..Over to you Pranab...."

Pranab Dutta - "Well... All the best with your dreams Niharika, and I'll hope Katrina Kaif marries me....(turning to Mr. Javlekar) Anyway, Mr. Javlekar, it was nice having you in our studio... I especially love your new kurta... Kahan se silwayi??? (Mr. Javlekar blushes)...Anyway, its time to slip into a very short commercial break... when we come back, we'll tell you why Advani is pissed off with Modi... don't you dare touch that remote and tune into TIMES NOW or NDTV or CNN... "

(Commercials and loud Music... Mr. Javlekar gives the address of his tailor to Pranab Dutta, and wishes all a good night.... Make Up man rushin to retouch Billo's make up... producer shouts.. "3...2..1... and we are back)

B.K- "Welcome back everyone... Now Advani has registered a complaint with Rajnath Singh, the party president of the BJP, complaing about him being bullied by Narendra Modi, during the LS election campaigning in Gujarat. To discuss this, we are joined now, by the Congress Spokesperson Abhishek Milkshake Manusmriti... Mr. AMM, what do you make of this??"

AMM- "Well, Billo, we always knew that BJP campaign was flawed because during these elections, I heard stories of Advani running around and fetching a glass of water for Narendra Modi. Mr. Modi has for long, been seen as the new PM in waiting, and Advani jee was sad because Atal Bihari jee couldn't campaign this time. Modi took full advantage of Advani's emotional state and bullied Advani everywhere. I suggest, that criminal case should be filed against Modi and Advani be given a packet of paper napkins to dry his tears..Infact, I have decided to sponsor a packet of paper tissue for him."

P.D- "Ah.. Abhishek jee... You have spoken like a true gentleman... Even though you kicked their butts in the last elections, you still are willing to offer advice for the revival of the BJP... Kudos to you.. You are just like our news channel.. Humble.. Polite... Never show off... Atleast you have given some respect to a man, who is no longer wanted in the party... I salute you.. I honour you.. here, I even wanna smooch you... come..."

AMM- "Errr... pranab... you are forgetting that this is a live news channel... you don't want to excite karan Johar, do you??? Maybe later .. haan?"

B.K- "btw, abhishek... who is this new woman whom Manmohan singh is taking orders from?? "

AMM- "Arey, you idiots.. that is Mrs. Manmohan Singh... "

P.D- "Mrs. Singh????? our PM is a married man??"

AMM- "and you bloody losers... Sonia jee is not sulking.. she has fever and that is why she is indoors at 10 janpath Advani jee only called to wish her to get well soon."

P.D- "well... now we have a breaking news... we can confirm to you that Mr. Manmohan singh is a married man!! We are first news channel to tell you that and we shall be applying for a patent as well....Anyway, since Manmohan Singh is a married man, thus he is allowed to take orders from his wife as well... well I take orders from her...with "her", I mean, MY WIFE and not Mrs Manmohan Singh!! I think everyone in this great nation, takes orders from their wives.. because wives make a man... man makes a husband... husband gets a wife... wife gives orders... I don't know what I'm saying.. so lets slip into another short break.... "

(Commercials... Abhishek Manusmriti abusing the news wale.. Producer shouts... 3 ... 2... 1... )

P.D. - "Welcome back once again... In a day, which got more bizarre by the hour, Pakistan Prime Minister confessed to our news channel that he had the hots for Mayawati. Lets listen in to what he said to our correspondent, Noor Jahan in Pakistan"

(excerpts from the interview)

Noor Jahan- "PM Gilani, is it true that you have a secret crush on the Chief Minister of uttar pradesh in India.. Begum Mayawati??"

PM Gilani- "Yes, it is true that I fancy Mayawati ... Not only me... All our previous premiers have fancied her... I first saw her when ISI chief got her picture from his agents in India... I told him then and there , that I want this bombshell... "

Noor Jahan- " But we have reports that after you said that, the ISI chief ordered bombs blasts in India??"

PM Gilani- "Arey that bastard is hard of hearing and has no brains... He obviously misunderstood me, and planted bombs in egg shells across India... Honest mistake!! I confronted him and told him.."arey duffer.. not bomb in an egg shell.. I meant... wo wali bomb... pataka ... maal... samjha???"

Noor Jahan- ".... and ??!!"

PM Gilani- "As usual, he misunderstood me, and told his agents to blow up a pataka factory in India... (sigh).. the relations between India and Pakistan have always been based on misunderstandings... What to do??"

Noor Jahan- "... it is also reported that ISI was behind the attacks on the Indian Embassy in Kabul??"

PM Gilani- "Well... I called up that jerk... and told him.. Better control yourself... I love Mayawati, but it doesn't mean that you should plant bombs in India... understand?? Learn to control yourself.. KABU!!! CONTROL!!"

Noor Jahan- "Well, its quite clear how Kabu became Kabul... "

(Back to New Delhi Studio... Pranab Dutta and Billo Kumari looking shocked...)

Billo Kumari (in suppressed voice)- "Would you believe it?? Mayawati is supposed to be hot in pakistan, and no one gives me any bhao in this news channel also.. huh!!"

Pranab Dutta- "It is shocking to learn how a country, run by sexually frustrated people, cause such massive problems for their peace loving neighbours... I say, let us give them Mayawati... and send them all those ugly elephant sculptures as a sign of good will too... good riddance for us... Maybe that will cement relationships between India and Pakistan!!"

Billo Kumari- "In sports, on a day which , like we said, and WE ONLY SAID... because we are the number one news channel, giving you the maximum number of breaking news, and as we said.. today was a BIZARRE DAY.. and don't believe the other news channels when they say the same thing because we, your beloved channel, are telling you that it was a BIZARRE day... in a day full of surprises, Force India registered its first Formula One GP points in Turkey. Giancarlo Fishicella finished third behind the two ferraris. A crash in the penultimate lap by Adrian Sutil, triggered a chain reaction, as other 14 cars rammed into each other one by one."

Pranab Dutta- "Well, thats it for the tonight show, at News at Nine, on your favourite news channel, INB news... Your trusted.. beloved and YOUR VERY OWN CHANNEL.. and we salute you for your love, and please stay tuned for our next show on this channel... Saas Ki Murder karke Bahu Kahan Bhaagi... it is also an exclusive... see you tomorrow.. same time.. same place..

(Billo Kumari joins in)

"So this is me, Pranab and ... me, Billo, wishing you all a very good night... We'll see you again tomorrow... till then... Namaskar... yes dear friends, we also propagate our culture through our channel.. sorry.. YOUR channel... so... Pranaam... yes friends, this is another way of taking leave... So, all of you... GOODNIGHT"

(Music again.. Loud Music... as Pranab Dutta and Billo Kumari continue smiling at the camera)