An Obstinate Soul

I am pushing 36 now... I turn 36 on the 8th of Feb in 2020... I believe 36 years is a time long enough for one to know what society is all about... what relationships are and what they mean? You learn to identify the people you are close to and those you just want to maintain a social connect with... Hopefully, you have a spouse by now and to the lucky ones, also blessed with kids of their own.

So, basically what I am trying to say is that I am soon going to be 36 and I am not happy with myself. Professionally I think I am at a stage where I feel I have no skill set which is apt for continuing in my profession for I do not think driving a herd of student into a world of rote learning can be classified as a skill!! Personally, I have continued to be a major disaster and I am not proud to say that I do not see the trend changing. 

I have come to realise that I am messed up in my head... No, its a lie when i say that I have come to realise it now! I have known it for a long time... a very long time indeed! I have come to realise that I have not done enough to sort out the mess, and my inability to sort of one mess before i land up in another has left me drained. For a long time my psychiatrist has been asking me to learn to express my emotions... to get it out of the system!! I think she finally gave up too!!

I am not good at handling emotions and I am pathetic at expressing myself. Many times I have tried... it all rises up from my gutt, travels up and somehow gets stuck in my neck and remains a lump there. It refuses to eject itself. What follows then is a period of self abuse and mental torture... the length of which depends on how big a lump I have to deal with! I drink to the point where my brain agrees not to think anymore. I admit there have been instances where substance abuse has helped. I know the sleepless nights and the dazed look. But its the Conscience that screws around with me the most! A Dead Brain but a I-Refuse-To-Leave-You-Like-This Soul is a fucked up combination.

I think I should go for a walk... a very long walk till I drop.