Monday, March 30, 2015

Moving On....

"Only in the agony of Parting, do we look in the Depths of Love"
                                                                                                                                  - George Eliot

Its been close to a year since I was dumped. I know I could have used a politer narrative and said.. "its been close to a year since my ex-girlfriend and me split...."  but what the heck!! It doesn't actually matter how one glosses over it... the bottom line remains the same... I was dumped! And before my non existent readers believe that this post is about me seeking revenge by maligning her, let me cut short your celebrations. This is Not such a post!! This is just a post where I vent my anger at anything... everything!! So before you read on, Think Again!

When I say that I am a very slow & stubborn learner (dangerous combination), you MUST believe me!! For it is seldom that I lie and even when I do, I do it for reasons unknown and I mean no harm! My ex will disagree vehemently for sure and her current love interest will nod along. But hey, they won't be reading the post anyway...

So as I was saying... I am a very slow learner and it takes me aeons to comprehend anything. You more or less, get to know that your relationship is headed down the drain once you hear "Umm... we need to talk..... " followed by a long pause! Your mind is flooded with "What the fuck????????!!" and "What the Hell??!!". So you prepare yourself, expecting the "un"expected. You meet & the bomb is dropped and you see your "Happy Together Dream City" being obliterated before your eyes... The romantic honeymoon plans in Bhutan/Maldives turn to plans of renouncing the world and moving to the Himalayas. Life loses its sheen and nothing... I mean.. NOTHING seems right with the world anymore. The problem with people like me is that it takes me a long time to understand what actually is going on... and by the time I realise it, the event is over and all I am left with is a plethora of questions. 

With me, It wasn't the "Ummm We need to talk" dialogue. It was Circumstances and yeah, looking at it from a a non partisan view, I knew it was coming & probably break up was the rational thing for the both of us. From a selfish perspective, I declare I was the aggrieved party (.... am sure its the same for her as well). Ours was a "We met in first year of college" love story which sadly had too many ups and downs. Ten years of togetherness is a long time... quite a long time!! And After you've been through the roller coaster ride, you do expect Life to stop fucking you up and give you some breathing space. Long story short... Life continued its screwing routine and I guess you pretty much know where I am headed.  

What hurts me still is that I was dumped through a text message, decreeing "Its Over! I've had enough!!" when I was a thousand kilometers away... Ha ha Ha!! (Stop laughing ppl... some Sympathy). I mean, I am all for technology and its uses... But a relationship involves some human emotions which, no matter how advanced technology gets,  cannot replace. That was the lowest point of my life.  Sitting in the train, I was overcome with Emptiness - an outer body experience where you see yourself standing naked in the middle of a crowded room with people hurling abuses & mocking you. You realise that it can't get worse than this and its then that you spot your ex- in that crowd laughing with the rest of the mob.Thats when you realise that you had hit Rock bottom!!The realisation dawned on me that she had moved on even before she had dumped me!!  

For a year, I've been wondering and asking so many questions of myself. My psychiatrist is certain that one day she will hear from some mental asylum, that I posed a threat to society and hence have been locked up! How do you move on? How do you forget all the conversations? the togetherness? How do you forget everything?? Were all those emotions hollow? The last time I talked to her - atleast she was candid enough to tell me that she had blocked all those memories! I wanted to ask her.... How?? Where is the OFF button, that helps one hop from one relation to another? 

A relation, no matter how troubled or loving, does merit closure! It does merit one last conversation where you sit with each other and bare it all. A text message doesnt talk... It doesn't see... it doesn't empathise.. it doesn't even speak.. it only delivers. Not all relationships are bad...well, ours wasn't  (so I believe). It always takes two to tango & and same happens for a failed relationship. I'm sure I messed up way more than she did. I do wish we had talked... I do wish Circumstances hadn't fucked us all. But, a relationship where Trust falters & you feel suffocated, is doomed for disaster anyway. I guess a relationship where you started counting the sacrifices you made for the other, is better a closed chapter now than fighting for divorce in the civil courts, five years hence, arguing who gets custody of the kids.

Trust me, I have a very disturbed mind... it thinks a lot... and thinks and thinks and thinks!!! I still have no answers... I am trying to make peace with it all. Honestly speaking, I do accept that people like me should not be left loose in society and passed off as Normal. Im a ticking time bomb... dying to explode!

It is only in films that the long intervals of delayed trains, traffic intersections and non starting cars are neatly edited out. Then well may Chaplin say "Parting is sweet sorrow" to Claire Bloom to the accompaniment of a thousand violins on a railway platform in Limelight. I wish I was one of those guys who says one goodbye, turns away and walks off without looking back.. but I am not!! A break up is a game... where the one who moves on quicker is the victor. We played and I lost!

Its better to have loved and lost, than never to have Loved at all!

(To my Ex - If you ever read this, I do hope you find it in your heart to forgive me..)


Kislay Usha Chandra said...

You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. This too shall pass.

Nimitha said...
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